Good Omens

and shout at the same time, “Listen! I haven’t got much time! The—”
    â€œâ€”probably not in right now, or asleep, and busy, or something, but—”
    â€œShutup! Listen! It was in Tadfield! It’s all in that book! You’ve got to stop—”
    â€œâ€”after the tone and I’ll get right back to you. Chow.”
    â€œI want to talk to you now—”
    BeeeEEeeeEEeee
    â€œStop making noises! It’s in Tadfield! That was what I was sensing! You must go there and—”
    He took the phone away from his mouth.
    â€œBugger!” he said. It was the first time he’d sworn in more than six thousand years.
    Hold on. The demon had another line, didn’t he? He was that kind of person. Aziraphale fumbled in the book, nearly dropping it on the floor. They would be getting impatient soon.
    He found the other number. He dialed it. It was answered almost immediately, at the same time as the shop’s bell tingled gently.
    Crowley’s voice, getting louder as it neared the mouthpiece, said, “—really mean it. Hallo?”
    â€œCrowley, it’s me!”
    â€œNgh.” The voice was horribly noncommittal. Even in his present state, Aziraphale sensed trouble.
    â€œAre you alone?” he said cautiously.
    â€œNuh. Got an old friend here.”
    â€œListen—!”
    â€œAwa’ we ye, ye spawn o’ hell!”
    Very slowly, Aziraphale turned around.
    SHADWELL WAS TREMBLING with excitement. He’d seen it all. He’d heard it all. He hadn’t understood any of it, but he knew what people did with circles and candlesticks and incense. He knew that all right. He’d seen The Devil Rides Out fifteen times, sixteen times if you included the time he’d been thrown out of the cinema for shouting his unflattering opinions of amateur witchfinder Christopher Lee.
    The buggers were using him. They’d been making fools out o’ the glorious traditions o’ the Army.
    â€œI’ll have ye, ye evil bastard!” he shouted, advancing like a moth-eaten avenging angel. “I ken what ye be about, comin’ up here and seducin’ wimmen to do yer evil will!”
    â€œI think perhaps you’ve got the wrong shop,” said Aziraphale. “I’ll call back later,” he told the receiver, and hung up.
    â€œI could see what yer were aboot,” snarled Shadwell. There were flecks of foam around his mouth. He was more angry than he could ever remember.
    â€œEr, things are not what they seem—” Aziraphale began, aware even as he said it that as conversational gambits went it lacked a certain polish.
    â€œI bet they ain’t!” said Shadwell triumphantly.
    â€œNo, I mean—”
    Without taking his eyes off the angel, Shadwell shuffled backwards and grabbed the shop door, slamming it hard so that the bell jangled.
    â€œBell ,” he said.
    He grabbed The Nice and Accurate Prophecies and thumped it down heavily on the table.
    â€œBook ,” he snarled.
    He fumbled in his pocket and produced his trusty Ronson.
    â€œPractically candle!” he shouted, and began to advance.
    In his path, the circle glowed with a faint blue light.
    â€œEr,” said Aziraphale, “I think it might not be a very good idea to—”
    Shadwell wasn’t listening. “By the powers invested in me by virtue o’ my office o’ Witchfinder,” he intoned, “I charge ye to quit from this place—”
    â€œYou see, the circle—”
    â€œâ€”and return henceforth to the place from which ye came, pausin’ not to—”
    â€œâ€”it would really be unwise for a human to set foot in it without—”
    â€œâ€”and deliver us frae evil—”
    â€œKeep out of the circle, you stupid man!”
    â€œâ€”never to come again to vex—”
    â€œYes, yes, but please keep out of—”
    Aziraphale ran toward Shadwell, waving his hands urgently.
    â€œâ€”returning NAE MORE!” Shadwell finished. He pointed a vengeful, black-nailed finger.
    Aziraphale looked down at his feet, and swore for the second time in five minutes. He’d stepped into the circle.
    â€œOh, fuck ,” he said.
    There was a melodious twang, and the blue glow vanished. So did Aziraphale.
    Thirty seconds went by. Shadwell didn’t move. Then, with a trembling left hand, he reached up and carefully lowered his right