Hammered

most people, but I’m a guy who appreciates a good story well told. Beyond that, though, I think this man might actually possess supernatural powers. He makes people lose their minds, and I’m sure some of them do lose bladder control as well. «
    » I see. And who is this author? «
    » Neil Fucking Gaiman. «
    » His second name is Fucking? «
    » No, Leif, that’s the honorary second name all celebrities are given by their fans. It’s not an insult, it’s a huge compliment, and he’s earned it. You’d like him. He dresses all in black like you. Read a couple of his books, and then when you meet him, you’ll squee too. «
    Leif found the suggestion distasteful. » I would never behave with so little dignity. Nor would I wish to be confronted in such a manner by anyone else. Vampires inspire screams, not squees. Involuntary urination is common, I grant, but it properly flows from a sense of terror, not an ecstatic sense of hero worship. «
    » It properly flows? Are we having a pee pun party? «
    A slight tightening around the eyes was my only visual clue that Leif was amused. Otherwise his face remained impassive and his voice deadpanned, » If I do not aim carefully at my targets tonight, I might cause a big splash at the stadium. «
    » Oh, very punny. You will show them what yellow cowards they are, « I said.
    » Right after I flush them out of the crowd. «
    » You will rain down upon their porcelain skin a deluge of justice. «
    » Ugh! And I will have to wash my hands afterward. «
    I chuckled, and Leif’s face finally cracked into a grin. It felt good to laugh, but then I wanted to ask Leif if vampires ever peed. Since he’d never answer that, I asked him something else.
    » Leif, why is the Memphis nest at the stadium? «
    » It’s a direct challenge to me. They are symbolically laying claim to all those people. «
    » If you take them on during the game, there’s likely to be collateral damage. «
    Leif nodded. » They’re counting on it. «
    » That you won’t want to hurt innocents? «
    » No, that I will not want to cause a scene and leave a bunch of dead vampires lying around with a bunch of dead humans, thus exposing the secret of our existence. But they have miscalculated; I do not care about that anymore. I do want to cause a scene. Leaving the stadium littered with undead corpses will doubtlessly make the news. It will let everyone know I am still around and very capable of holding this territory. «
    » And it will also let everyone know that vampires are real. Isn’t that kind of a fatal flaw in your plan? «
    Leif dismissed the point with a wave of his hand. » They will never admit the possibility. Science is so very sacred to them now, and scientifically vampires cannot exist, therefore we do not. Vampires are safe by this tautology alone. Any lab results they find outside the norm will be assumed to be contaminated. «
    » Do you know if these Memphis vampires are very old? «
    Leif snorted contemptuously. » I am the oldest vampire on this side of the Atlantic. «
    » And on the other side? «
    The blue ice of his eyes slid coolly from contemplating his empty goblet and regarded me. » The one who created me is still there. And there are … others. «
    » Any of them older than me? « I asked brightly.
    » There is one I know of. There may be others. I have never met him, mind; I have heard of him only, but I am told he still hunts. « I half-expected him to throw back his head and let rip with a shrill, hoarse cackle worthy of the Crypt Keeper, but he chose instead to remain silent and let the tension build.
    I think you’re right , I told Oberon. He needs a soundtrack .
    
    » Do you dare speak his name? « I whispered softly.
    Leif rolled his eyes, acknowledging my mockery. » He is called Theophilus. «
    » Ha! « I barked, amused by the Greek roots of his name. » There’s an ancient vampire in Europe whose name means › loved by God’? «
    » I did not say he was in Europe. But, yes, that is the name he professes to the world. I do not know if that is his original name or if he is merely being ironic. «
    » What’s the name of the vampire who created you? «
    The vampire narrowed his eyes. » Why do you wish to know? «
    I shrugged. » Curiosity. «
    Keeping his eyes on me to gauge my reaction, he carefully pronounced, » Zdenik. «
    » That doesn’t sound like an Icelandic name, « I observed.
    » Your sharp ears serve you well. It is a Czech