Hexed

pet me? ‹
    Well, you can shy away from his touch, but definitely don’t bark or growl or bite anybody .
    Struck by inspiration as I rifled through my shirt drawer, I picked out an old anime shirt with lots of pointy noses, large eyes, and giant swords on it. Put it on, and instant nerd!
    Lots of men with suits were in my living room when I emerged from my bedroom. None of them had ever seen me before or knew what I was like, so I could play a part and get away with it.
    » Dude! What the hell? Who are you guys? « I said, automatically lowering my IQ to everyone assembled.
    » Atticus, these are the police, « Hal said.
    » Atticus O’Sullivan? « a tall sandy-haired man in a green shirt and silk tie stepped forward with his ID out. » I’m Detective Kyle Geffert with the Tempe Police. We have a warrant to search your house for any swords you may have, as well as any blunt weapons such as baseball bats. «
    His name rang a bell, but I couldn’t remember where I’d heard it before. » Oh, cool, « I said. » I hope you find my sword, because I’ve been looking for it. «
    » You lost your sword? «
    » I guess so, dude. « I shrugged. » I don’t know where it is. «
    » So you admit that you own a sword? «
    » Well, yeah, if I could find it. I’m training to become a ninja. « The detective blinked and looked over at Hal to see if I was pulling his leg. Hal was completely stone-faced, even nodding slightly in agreement with my story.
    » How long have you been missing your sword? «
    » Well, I think I lost it last night. «
    » Interesting. I see you have both your ears, « Geffert observed.
    I flicked my eyes uncertainly between him and Hal. » Um, thanks? And … so do you? «
    » We’ve had reports of a man who’s missing his right ear riding around Tempe with a sword. «
    » Really? Whoa. Guess that dude shoulda been more careful with his sword, eh? « I chuckled a few times at my own lame joke but looked down meekly when no one laughed. » Sorry. Nobody ever thinks I’m funny. « Suited men were looking underneath furniture and behind picture frames to see if any swords were concealed there. One of them reported that he’d found a large assortment of edged and blunt weapons in my garage.
    » Any swords? « Geffert asked.
    » Not yet, just knives. «
    » Keep me posted. « He turned back to me and asked, » Mr. O’Sullivan, would you mind telling me where you were last night? «
    » You don’t have to answer that, « Hal interjected.
    » Nah, it’s okay, « I told Hal, and then I said to Geffert, » I was chillaxin’ with my girl and my pooch. We were hittin’ baseballs in the park, and I took my sword off so I could swing away, you know? But damn if some douche didn’t come by and jack it when I wasn’t looking. I was goin’ apeshit, dude, and I’m still pissed. If I ever catch who did it, he’ll have to deal with my kung fu. «
    » I thought you said you lost your sword. Now you say someone stole it? «
    » I might be remembering it wrong. I do that sometimes. I lose time when I’m in a ninja trance, and I don’t recall doing things. «
    The detective’s mouth opened a bit, and he stared at me as if I were a talking slime mold. I looked down and shuffled my feet a bit. » Or maybe it was all those drugs I did when I was younger. Sometimes I black out. «
    Geffert nodded slowly and looked at Hal. Then his eyes abruptly narrowed and he asked, » Mr. O’Sullivan, what do you do for a living? «
    » Ninja training. «
    » That’s your source of income? «
    » Oh. No, I own a bookstore. « This guy had to know who I was already. Since Hal and I were suing the Tempe Police Department for shooting me last month—an unpleasant episode that was entirely Aenghus Óg’s fault—there was no way they got a warrant to come in here without very carefully reviewing everything they had on me.
    » Would you say your bookstore is a successful enterprise? «
    I ignored him and let my eyes lose focus at a point over his right shoulder.
    » Mr. O’Sullivan? «
    » Huh? What, dude? I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. «
    Geffert spoke slowly to make sure I understood. » Do you make a lot of money at your bookstore? «
    » Oh. You’re talking about Benjamins. Yeah, dude, I have plenty. «
    » Enough to pay for very expensive lawyers? «
    » Well, duh, « I said, pointing at Hal, » he’s standing here, isn’t he? «
    » Why does a bookstore owner need lawyers like Magnusson and Hauk? «
    » Because