Hogfather

Archchancellor,” said the Dean.
    “What’s that?”
    “It’s like Hide and Seek, but when you find someone you have to squeeze in with them,” said the Dean.
    “I just want to be clear about this,” said Ridcully. “My senior wizards have spent the evening playing Hide and Seek?”
    “Oh, not the whole evening,” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. “We played Grandmother’s Footsteps and I Spy for quite a while until the Senior Wrangler made a scene just because we wouldn’t let him spell chandelier with an S.”
    “Party games? You fellows?”
    The Dean sidled closer.
    “It’s Miss Smith,” he mumbled. “When we don’t join in she bursts into tears.”
    “Who’s Miss Smith?”
    “The Cheerful Fairy,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes glumly. “If you don’t say yes to everything her lip wobbles like a plate of jelly. It’s unbearable.”
    “We just joined in to stop her weeping,” said the Dean. “It’s amazing how one woman can be so soggy.”
    “If we’re not cheerful she bursts into tears,” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. “The Senior Wrangler’s doing some juggling for her at the moment.”
    “But he can’t juggle!”
    “I think that’s cheering her up a bit.”
    “What you’re tellin’ me, then, is that my wizards are prancing around playin’ children’s games just to cheer up some dejected fairy?”
    “Er…yes.”
    “I thought you had to clap your hands and say you believed in ’em,” said Ridcully. “Correct me if I’m wrong.”
    “That’s just for the little shiny ones,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. “Not for the ones in saggy cardigans with half a dozen hankies stuffed up their sleeves.”
    Ridcully looked at the corpse again.
    “Anyone know who he is? Looks a bit of a ruffian to me. And where’s his boots, may I ask?”
    The Dean took a small glass cube from his pocket and ran it over the corpse.
    “Quite a large thaumic reading, gentlemen,” he said. “I think he got here by magic.”
    He rummaged in the man’s pockets and pulled out a handful of small white things.
    “Ugh,” he said.
    “Teeth?” said Ridcully. “Who goes around with a pocket full of teeth?”
    “A very bad fighter?” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. “I’ll go and get Modo to take the poor fellow away, shall I?”
    “If we can get a reading off the thaumameter, perhaps Hex—” Ridcully began.
    “Now, Ridcully,” said the Dean, “I really think there must be some problems that can be resolved without having to deal with that damn thinking mill.”

    Death looked up at Hex.
    A MACHINE FOR THINKING ?
    “Er…yes, sir,” said Ponder Stibbons. “You see, when you said…Well, you see, Hex believes everything…But, look, the sun really will come up, won’t it? That’s its job .”
    L EAVE US .
    Ponder backed away, and then scurried out of the room.
    The ants flowed along their tubes. Cogwheels spun. The big wheel with the sheep skulls on it creaked around slowly. A mouse squeaked, somewhere in the works.
    W ELL ? said Death.
    After a while, the pen began to write.
    +++ Big Red Lever Time +++ Query +++
    N O . T HEY SAY YOU ARE A THINKER . E XTEND LOGICALLY THE RESULT OF THE HUMAN RACE CEASING TO BELIEVE IN THE H OGFATHER . W ILL THE SUN COME UP ? A NSWER .
    It took several minutes. The wheels spun. The ants ran. The mouse squeaked. An egg timer came down on a spring. It bounced aimlessly for a while, and then jerked back up again.
    Hex wrote: +++ The Sun Will Not Come Up +++
    C ORRECT . H OW MAY THIS BE PREVENTED ? A NSWER .
    +++ Regular and Consistent Belief +++
    G OOD . I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE .
    +++ Yes. I Am Preparing An Area Of Write-Only Memory +++
    W HAT IS THAT ?
    +++ You Would Say: To Know In Your Bones +++
    G OOD . H ERE IS YOUR INSTRUCTION . B ELIEVE IN THE H OGFATHER .
    +++ Yes +++
    D O YOU BELIEVE ? A NSWER .
    +++ YES +++
    D O…YOU…BELIEVE ? A NSWER .
    +++ YES +++
    There was a change in the ill-assembled heap of pipes and tubes that was Hex. The big wheel creaked into a new position. From the other side of the wall came the hum of busy bees.
    G OOD .
    Death turned to leave the room, but stopped when Hex began to write furiously. He went back and looked at the emerging paper.
    +++ Dear Hogfather, For Hogswatch I Want—
    O H, NO . Y OU CAN’T WRITE LETT —Death paused, and then said, Y OU CAN, CAN’T YOU .
    +++ Yes. I Am Entitled +++
    Death waited until the pen had stopped, and picked up the paper.
    B UT