Hogfather

got a plan .
    “Gawain? Twyla?”
    The muffled noises stopped in the next room. There was a padding of feet and two solemn faces appeared round the door.
    “Ah, come in, come in , curly haired tots,” said Teatime genially.
    Gawain gave him a steely stare.
    His next mistake, thought Susan. If he’d called them little bastards he’d have them bang on his side. But they know when you’re sending them up.
    “I’ve caught this bogeyman,” said Teatime. “What shall we do with him, eh?”
    The two faces turned to Death. Twyla put her thumb in her mouth.
    “It’s only a skeleton,” said Gawain critically.
    Susan opened her mouth, and the sword swung toward her. She shut it again.
    “Yes, a nasty, creepy, horrible skeleton,” said Teatime. “Scary, eh?”
    There was a very faint pop as Twyla took her thumb out of her mouth.
    “He’s eating a bittit,” she said.
    “Biscuit,” Susan corrected automatically. She started to swing the kettle in an absentminded way.
    “A creepy bony man in a black robe!” said Teatime, aware that things weren’t going in quite the right direction.
    He spun round to face Susan. “You’re fidgeting with that kettle,” he said. “So I expect you’re thinking of doing something creative. Put it down, please. Slowly.”
    Susan knelt down gently and put the kettle on the hearth.
    “Huh, that’s not very creepy, it’s just bones,” said Gawain dismissively. “And anyway Willie the groom down at the stables has promised me a real horse skull. And anyway I’m going to make a hat out of it like General Tacticus had when he wanted to frighten people. And anyway it’s just standing there. It’s not even making woo-woo noises. And anyway you’re creepy. Your eye’s weird.”
    “Really? Then let’s see how creepy I can be,” said Teatime. Blue fire crackled along the sword as he raised it.
    Susan closed her hand over the poker.
    Teatime saw her start to turn. He stepped behind Death, sword raised…
    Susan threw the poker overarm. It made a ripping noise as it shot through the air, and trailed sparks.
    It hit Death’s robe and vanished.
    He blinked.
    Teatime smiled at Susan.
    He turned and peered dreamily at the sword in his hand.
    It fell out of his fingers.
    Death turned and caught it by the handle as it tumbled, and turned its fall into an upward curve.
    Teatime looked down at the poker in his chest as he folded up.
    “Oh, no,” he said. “It couldn’t have gone through you. There are so many ribs and things!”
    There was another pop as Twyla extracted her thumb and said, “It only kills monsters.”
    “Stop time now ,” commanded Susan.
    Death snapped his fingers. The room took on the grayish purple of stationary time. The clock paused its ticking.
    “You winked at me! I thought you had a plan !”
    I NDEED . O H, YES . I PLANNED TO SEE WHAT YOU WOULD DO .
    “ Just that ?”
    Y OU ARE VERY RESOURCEFUL . A ND OF COURSE YOU HAVE HAD AN EDUCATION .
    “ What ?”
    I DID ADD THE SPARKLY STARS AND THE NOISE, THOUGH . I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE APPROPRIATE .
    “And if I hadn’t done anything?”
    I DARESAY I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING . A T THE LAST MINUTE .
    “That was the last minute!”
    T HERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR ANOTHER LAST MINUTE .
    “The children had to watch that!”
    E DUCATIONAL . T HE WORLD WILL TEACH THEM ABOUT MONSTERS SOON ENOUGH . L ET THEM REMEMBER THERE’S ALWAYS THE POKER .
    “But they saw he’s human—”
    I THINK THEY HAD A VERY GOOD IDEA OF WHAT HE WAS .
    Death prodded the fallen Teatime with his foot.
    S TOP PLAYING DEAD , M ISTER T EH-AH-TIM-EH .
    The ghost of the Assassin sprang up like a jack-in-the-box, all slightly crazed smiles.
    “You got it right!”
    O F COURSE .
    Teatime began to fade.
    I’ LL TAKE THE BODY , said Death. T HAT WILL PREVENT INCONVENIENT QUESTIONS .
    “What did he do it all for?” said Susan. “I mean, why? Money? Power?”
    S OME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE SHEER FASCINATION OF DOING IT , said Death. O R FOR FAME . O R BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T .
    Death picked up the corpse and slung it over his shoulder. There was a sound of something bouncing on the hearth. He turned, and hesitated.
    E R…YOU DID KNOW THE POKER WOULD GO THROUGH ME ?
    Susan realized she was shaking.
    “Of course. In this room it’s pretty powerful.”
    Y OU WERE NEVER IN ANY DOUBT ?
    Susan hesitated, and then smiled.
    “I was quite confident,” she said.
    A H . Her grandfather stared at her for a moment and she thought she