Hogfather

STILL IN THERE?”
    Ponder Stibbons rolled his eyes.
    “MIND TELLING US WHAT THE REALITY IS LIKE ROUND HERE?”
    The pen wrote: +++ On A Scale Of One To Ten—Query +++
    “FINE,” Ridcully shouted.
    +++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot +++
    “Interestin’,” said Ridcully. “Anyone know what that means?”
    “Damn,” said Ponder. “It’s crashed again.”
    Ridcully looked mystified. “Has it? I never even saw it take off.”
    “I mean it’s…it’s sort of gone a little bit mad,” said Ponder.
    “Ah,” said Ridcully. “Well, we’re experts at that around here.”
    He thumped on the drum again.
    “WANT SOME MORE DRIED FROG PILLS, OLD CHAP?” he shouted.
    “Er, I should let us sort it out, Archchancellor,” said Ponder, trying to steer him away.
    “What does ‘divide by cucumber’ mean?” said Ridcully.
    “Oh, Hex just says that if it comes up with an answer that it knows can’t possibly be real,” said Ponder.
    “And this ‘rebooting’ business? Give it a good kicking, do you?”
    “Oh, no, of course, we…that is…well, yes, in fact,” said Ponder. “Adrian goes round the back and…er…prods it with his foot. But in a technical way,” he added.
    “Ah. I think I’m getting the hang of this thinkin’ engine business,” said Ridcully cheerfully. “So it reckons the universe needs a kicking, does it?”
    Hex’s pen was scratching across the paper. Ponder glanced at the figures.
    “It must do. These figures can’t be right!”
    Ridcully grinned again. “You mean either the whole world has gone wrong or your machine is wrong?”
    “Yes!”
    “Then I’d imagine the answer’s pretty easy, wouldn’t you?” said Ridcully.
    “Yes. It certainly is. Hex gets thoroughly tested every day,” said Ponder Stibbons.
    “Good point, that, man,” said Ridcully. He banged on Hex’s listening tube once more.
    “YOU DOWN THERE—”
    “You really don’t need to shout, Archchancellor,” said Ponder.
    “—what’s this Anthropomorphic Personification, then?”
    +++ Humans Have Always Ascribed Random, Seasonal, Natural Or Inexplicable Actions To Human-Shaped Entities. Such Examples Are Jack Frost, The Hogfather, The Tooth Fairy And Death +++
    “Oh, them . Yes, but they exist,” said Ridcully. “Met a couple of ’em myself.”
    +++ Humans Are Not Always Wrong +++
    “All right, but I’m damn sure there’s never been an Eater of Socks or God of Hangovers.”
    +++ But There Is No Reason Why There Should Not Be +++
    “The thing’s right, you know,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. “A little man who carries verrucas around is no more ridiculous than someone who takes away children’s teeth for money, when you come to think about it.”
    “Yes, but what about the Eater of Socks?” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. “Bursar just said he always thought something was eating his socks and, bingo, there it was.”
    “But we all believed him, didn’t we? I know I did. Seems like the best possible explanation for all the socks I’ve lost over the years. I mean, if they’d just fallen down the back of the drawer or something there’d be a mountain of the things by now.”
    “I know what you mean,” said Ponder. “It’s like pencils. I must have bought hundreds of pencils over the years, but how many have I ever actually worn down to the stub? Even I’ve caught myself thinking that something’s creeping up and eating them—”
    There was a faint glingleglingle noise. He froze.
    “What was that?” he said. “Should I look round? Will I see something horrible?”
    “Looks like a very puzzled bird,” said Ridcully.
    “With a very odd-shaped beak,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
    “I wish I knew who’s making that bloody tinkling noise,” said the Archchancellor.

    The oh god listened attentively. Susan was amazed. He didn’t seem to disbelieve anything. She’d never been able to talk like this before, and said so.
    “I think that’s because I haven’t got any preconceived ideas,” said the oh god. “It comes of not having been conceived, probably.”
    “Well, that’s how it is, anyway,” said Susan. “Obviously I haven’t inherited…physical characteristics. I suppose I just look at the world in a certain way.”
    “What way?”
    “It…doesn’t always present barriers. Like this, for example.”
    She closed her eyes. She felt better if she didn’t see what she was doing. Part of her would keep on