Hogfather

insisting it was impossible.
    All she felt was a faintly cold, prickling sensation.
    “What did I just do?” she said, her eyes still shut.
    “Er…you waved your hand through the table,” said the oh god.
    “You see?”
    “Um…I assume that most humans can’t do that?”
    “No!”
    “You don’t have to shout. I’m not very experienced about humans, am I? Apart from around the point the sun shines through the gap in the curtains. And then they’re mainly wishing that the ground would open up and swallow them. I mean the humans, not the curtains.”
    Susan leaned back in her chair—and knew that a tiny part of her brain was saying, yes, there is a chair here, it’s a real thing, you can sit on it.
    “There’s other things,” she said. “I can remember things. Things that haven’t happened yet.”
    “Isn’t that useful?”
    “No! Because I never know what they—look, it’s like looking at the future through a keyhole. You see bits of things but you never really know what they mean until you arrive where they are and see where the bit fits in.”
    “That could be a problem,” said the oh god politely.
    “Believe me. It’s the waiting that’s the worst part. You keep watching out for one of the bits to go past. I mean I don’t usually remember anything useful about the future, just twisted little clues that don’t make sense until it’s too late. Are you sure you don’t know why you turned up at the Hogfather’s castle?”
    “No. I just remember being a…well, can you understand what I mean by a disembodied mind?”
    “Oh, yes.”
    “Good. Now can you understand what I mean by a disembodied headache? And then, next moment, I was lying on a back I didn’t used to have in a lot of cold white stuff I’d never seen before. But I suppose if you’re going to pop into existence, you’ve got to do it somewhere .”
    “Somewhere where someone else, who should have existed, didn’t,” said Susan, half to herself.
    “Pardon?”
    “The Hogfather wasn’t there,” said Susan. “He shouldn’t have been there anyway , not tonight, but this time he wasn’t there not because he was somewhere else but because he wasn’t anywhere any more. Even his castle was vanishing.”
    “I expect I shall get the hang of this incarnation business as I go along,” said the oh god.
    “Most people—” Susan began. A shudder ran through her body. “Oh, no. What’s he doing? W HAT’S HE DOING ?”

    A JOB WELL DONE , I FANCY .
    The sleigh thundered across the night. Frozen fields passed underneath.
    “Hmph,” said Albert. He sniffed.
    W HAT DO YOU CALL THAT WARM FEELING YOU GET INSIDE ?
    “Heartburn!” Albert snapped.
    D O I DETECT A NOTE OF UNSEASONAL GRUMPINESS ? said Death. N O SUGAR PIGGYWIGGY FOR YOU , A LBERT .
    “I don’t want any present, master.” Albert sighed. “Except maybe to wake up and find it’s all back to normal. Look, you know it always goes wrong when you start changing things…”
    B UT THE H OGFATHER CAN CHANGE THINGS . L ITTLE MIRACLES ALL OVER THE PLACE, WITH MANY A MERRY HO, HO, HO . T EACHING PEOPLE THE REAL MEANING OF H OGSWATCH , A LBERT .
    “What, you mean that the pigs and cattle have all been slaughtered and with any luck everyone’s got enough food for the winter?”
    W ELL, WHEN I SAY THE REAL MEANING —
    “Some wretched devil’s had his head chopped off in a wood somewhere ’cos he found a bean in his dinner and now the summer’s going to come back?”
    N OT EXACTLY THAT, BUT —
    “Oh, you mean that they’ve chased down some poor beast and shot arrows up into their apple trees and now the shadows are going to go away?”
    T HAT IS DEFINITELY A MEANING, BUT I—
    “Ah, then you’re talking about the one where they light a bloody big bonfire to give the sun a hint and tell it to stop lurking under the horizon and do a proper day’s work?”
    Death paused, while the hogs hurtled over a range of hills.
    Y OU’RE NOT HELPING , A LBERT .
    “Well, they’re all the real meanings that I know.”
    I THINK YOU COULD WORK WITH ME ON THIS .
    “It’s all about the sun, master. White snow and red blood and the sun. Always has been.”
    V ERY WELL, THEN . T HE H OGFATHER CAN TEACH PEOPLE THE UNREAL MEANING OF H OGSWATCH .
    Albert spat over the side of the sleigh. “Hah! ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice If Everyone Was Nice,’ eh?”
    T HERE ARE WORSE BATTLE CRIES .
    “Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…”
    E XCUSE ME …
    Death reached into his robe and pulled