Hogfather

you were hiding.
    “How come your brother likes him so much?”
    Medium Dave grimaced. Banjo had always done what he was told, simply because Medium Dave had told him. Up to now, anyway.
    It must have been that punch in the bar. Medium Dave didn’t like to think about it. He’d always promised their mother that he’d look after Banjo, * and Banjo had gone back like a falling tree. And when Medium Dave had risen from his seat to punch Teatime’s unbalanced lights out he’d suddenly found the Assassin already behind him, holding a knife. In front of everyone. It was humiliating, that’s what it was—
    And then Banjo had sat up, looking puzzled, and spat out a tooth—
    “If it wasn’t for Banjo going around with him all the time we could gang up on him,” said Catseye.
    Medium Dave looked up, one hand clamping a handkerchief to his eye.
    “ Gang up on him ?” he said.
    “Yeah, it’s all your fault,” Chickenwire went on.
    “Oh, yeah? So it wasn’t you who said, wow, ten thousand dollars, count me in?”
    Chickenwire backed away. “I didn’t know there was going to be all this creepy stuff! I want to go home!”
    Medium Dave hesitated, despite his pain and rage. This wasn’t normal talk for Chickenwire, for all that he whined and grumbled. This was a strange place, no lie about that, and all that business with the teeth had been very…odd, but he’d been out with Chickenwire when jobs had gone wrong and both the Watch and the Thieves’ Guild had been after them and he’d been as cool as anyone. And if the Guild had been the ones to catch them they’d have nailed their ears to their ankles and thrown them in the river. In Medium Dave’s book, which was a simple book and largely written in mental crayon, things didn’t get creepier than that.
    “What’s up with you?” he said. “All of you—you’re acting like little kids!”

    “Would he deliver to apes earlier than humans?”
    “Interesting point, sir. Possibly you’re referring to my theory that humans may have in fact descended from apes, of course,” said Ponder. “A bold hypothesis which ought to sweep away the ignorance of centuries if the grants committee could just see their way clear to letting me hire a boat and sail around to the islands of—”
    “I just thought he might deliver alphabetically,” said Ridcully.
    There was a patter of soot in the cold fireplace.
    “That’s presumably him now, do you think?” Ridcully went on. “Oh, well, I thought we should check—”
    Something landed in the ashes. The two wizards stood quietly in the darkness while the figure picked itself up. There was a rustle of paper.
    L ET ME SEE NOW —
    There was a click as Ridcully’s pipe fell out of his mouth.
    “Who the hell are you?” he said. “Mr. Stibbons, light a candle!”
    Death backed away.
    I’ M THE H OGFATHER, OF COURSE . E R . H O . H O . H O . W HO WOULD YOU EXPECT TO COME DOWN A CHIMNEY ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS, MAY I ASK ?
    “No, you’re not!”
    I AM . L OOK , I’ VE GOT THE BEARD AND THE PILLOW AND EVERYTHING !
    “You look extremely thin in the face!”
    I’ M …I…I’ M NOT WELL . I T’S ALL …Y ES, IT’S ALL THIS SHERRY . A ND RUSHING AROUND . I AM A BIT ILL .
    “Terminally, I should say.” Ridcully grabbed the beard. There was a twang as the string gave way.
    “It’s a false beard!”
    N O, IT’S NOT , said Death desperately.
    “Here’s the hooks for the ears, which must have given you a bit of trouble, I must say!”
    Ridcully flourished the incriminating evidence.
    “What were you doing coming down the chimney?” he continued. “Not in marvelous taste, I think.”
    Death waved a small grubby scrap of paper defensively.
    O FFICIAL LETTER TO THE H OGFATHER . S AYS HERE …he began, and then looked at the paper again. W ELL, QUITE A LOT, IN FACT . I T’S A LONG LIST . L IBRARY STAMPS, REFERENCE BOOKS, PENCILS, BANANAS …
    “The Librarian asked the Hogfather for those things?” said Ridcully. “Why?”
    I DON’T KNOW , said Death. This was a diplomatic answer. He kept his finger over a reference to the Archchancellor. The orangutan for “duck’s bottom” was quite an interesting squiggle.
    “I’ve got plenty in my desk drawer,” mused Ridcully. “I’m quite happy to give them out to any chap provided he can prove he’s used up the old one.”
    T HEY MUST SHOW YOU AN ABSENCE OF PENCIL ?
    “Of course. If he needed essential materials he need only have come to me. No man can tell