How to be a Brit

unfortunate young man in deep despair, ostracized by his fellows because
he had bought a record player and they had found out that the cheque he had given
for it had not bounced.
     
     

HOW TO BE CLASS CONSCIOUS
     
    If you want to be
a modern Englishman you must become class-conscious.
    1. If you belong to the
so-called higher spheres of society you will, of course, never be flagrant
about this. You simply look down (not with a superior, simply with a pitying
smile) upon those miserable and ridiculous creatures who do not know the
conventions of your world. Nothing can possibly amuse you more than hearing
someone address the third son of a marquess in the style due to the second
daughter of an earl.
    I must admit that I still
often find these rules confusing. The other day I received an invitation to a
party from a friend of mine who is a baronet. The invitation was signed by his
wife — R.S.V.P. From my reference books I sought advice on how to address an
envelope to a baronet’s second wife. ‘If the daughter of a commoner...’ I read,
then I stopped, picked up the telephone, rang the lady in question and asked
her: ‘I say, Eileen, are you the daughter of a commoner?’
    She said: ‘What the bloody
hell do you mean?’

    I told her: ‘That will do.
You are a commoner. And getting commoner and commoner every day.’
    That solved that problem.
Many other problems, however, still remain. One of the most exasperating cases
you may come across is a Dame of the Order of the British Empire married to a
baronet or a peer. Skill, ingenuity and determination may solve even that. But
if you hear of the third daughter of a marchioness married to an archbishop you
should carefully avoid the combination.
    2. Another excellent device
of the British aristocracy to drive poor foreigners — primarily Americans — crazy
is the changing of names. The fact that Lord Upper-stone’s elder son is called
Lord Ipswich while his younger son is Mr Hinch does not mean that they are both
bastards. The elder daughter of the noble Lord may be the Hon. Mrs Cynthia
Cunliffe-Green and his younger daughter the Hon. Mary Cumberland — just for
good measure. And if even that does not drive the poor onlooker raving mad,
then the ‘as he then was’ business comes in. You find such passages in
field-marshals’ memoirs:
    ‘I then went to the Viceroy’s
Lodge and asked to see Lord Irwin (as he then was) without delay. I shook Lord
Halifax (as he then was not yet) by the hand in the friendliest manner but
spoke to him sternly: ‘Mr Wood,’ I began, ‘(as he no longer was) I’ve just had
a message from Mr Churchill (as he then was) about 2nd Lieutenant Birch (as he
still is) etc., etc.’
    3. Should you belong to any
other class (except the lower-middle — see below) you may boast of your origins
constantly. If you come from Bermondsey (or Stockton-on-Tees or Hartley Witney)
then you keep repeating that ‘the people of Bermondsey (or Stockton-on-Tees or
Hartley Witney) are the finest people in the world.’ This is just another way
of saying that you, too, are one of the finest people in the world and that you
love, respect and admire yourself.
    4. The one class you do not
belong to and are not proud of at all is the lower-middle class. No one ever
describes himself as belonging to the lower-middle class. Working class, yes;
upper-middle class: most certainly; lower-middle class: never! Lower-middle
class is, indeed, per definitionem, the class to which the majority of the
population belongs with the exception of the few thousand people you know.
    5. In the old days people
used to aspire to higher classes. Since the angry young man literature has made
its impact, quite a few people assert that they are of lower origin than they,
in fact, are. (I am using here the word ‘lower’ in the worst snobbish sense.)
The place of the upstart is being taken by the downstart. I know people who
secretly visit evening elocution classes in order to pick up a cockney accent.
Others are practising the Wigan brogue. And I know others again who would be
deeply ashamed if the general public learnt that their fathers were, in fact,
book-keepers and not dustmen, village grocers and not swine-herds, solicitors
and not pickpockets.

THE NEW RULING CLASS
     
    The English talk — and talk a
great deal — of upper, middle, and working classes. They also talk of
upper-middle and lower-middle classes, and more recently they have started
mentioning a