How to be a Brit

phrase ‘We Englishmen.’ The young man looked at
him, took his pipe out of his mouth and remarked softly: ‘Sorry, Sir, I’m a
Welshman,’ turned his back on him and walked away.
    The same gentleman was
listening to a conversation. It was mentioned that the Japanese had claimed to
have shot down 22 planes.
    ‘What — ours?’ he asked
indignantly.
    His English hostess
answered icily:
    ‘No — ours.’

HOW TO BE AN
INIMITABLE



COMING OF AGE
     
    It was twenty-one
years ago that England and I first set foot on each other. I came for a
fortnight; I have stayed ever since. As a man I am in my forties; as an
inhabitant of Britain I am just twenty-one. I was only seven when my first
child was born. I have come of age; which is more than England can boast of.
    In these past twenty-one
years England has gained me and lost an Empire. The net gain was small. I used
to pronounce my name Me-cash but nowadays most people say Mikes to rhyme with likes. The Empire now pronounces its name Commonwealth — to rhyme with nothing
at all.
    Many things have changed in
the last two decades. The Britain of i960 is vastly different from the Britain
of 1938, and even from the Britain of 1946, when I first published my
impressions of this country under the title How to be an Alien. The time
has come, I feel, to revisit England.
    When I first came here,
Englishmen were slim and taciturn, while today they are slim and taciturn.
Then, they were grunting and inscrutable; today they are grunting and
inscrutable. Then, they were honest, likeable but not too quick on the uptake;
today they are honest, likeable but no quicker on the uptake. Then, they kept
discussing the weather rather dully; today they keep discussing the weather
much more dully. Then, their main interests were cricket, horses and dogs,
while today their main interests are dogs, horses and cricket. Then, the main
newspaper topics were sex, crime and money, while today it is money, money,
money and crime with a little sex somewhat perfunctorily thrown in. Then,
Britain was being inundated by blooming 4 foreigners
and she did not like it. Today foreigners are called visitors, tourists and other fancy names — and in extreme emergency, when shortage of foreign
currency is too pressing — even Distinguished Europeans. We must all exercise
the greatest care, because the resemblance between a Distinguished European and
a bloody foreigner is most misleading.
    Then, Britons travelled to
the Continent, drank tea with milk in Paris, ate roast beef and Yorkshire
pudding in Monte Carlo, kept to one another’s company everywhere and were proud
of their insularity; today they drink tea with milk in Paris, eat roast beef
with Yorkshire pudding in Monte Carlo, keep to one another’s company everywhere
and are proud of how cosmopolitan they have become.
    In those happy days — Munich
crisis or no Munich crisis — no one really knew where Czechoslovakia was: the
problem was too small. Today we have the Bomb of Damocles hanging over our
heads, but nobody cares: the problem is too big. In those days ‘reaching for
the moon’ was still a metaphor and not a short-term programme. The ‘idle rich’
was still the rentier and not the boilermaker on strike. We had no
espresso bars, and no rock ‘n’ roll. Then, the fashion was to look forward with
dismay and not to look back in anger. After the war it seemed that we would
hardly survive the blow of victory; nonetheless, today we are nearly as well
off as the Germans themselves. We tell each other confidently that we’ve never
had it so good but what we really mean is that we are all right, Jack.
    Oh yes, if you want to be a
modern Briton — a Briton of the sixties — you have to follow an entirely new
set of rules. Here they follow.
    G.
M.



I. NEW ENGLISH
     

HOW TO BE PROSPEROUS
     
    If
you want to be
a modern Briton, you must be prosperous, or, preferably, rich. Richness has
this in common with justice that it is not enough to be rich, you must also
manifestly appear to be rich. The English, however, are a basically modest
race, so you cannot just show off. In fact, you must hide your richness in an
ostentatious, pseudo-modest manner, as if you were really poor. The greatest
advantage of this being that you may, in fact, be really as poor as you like.
    A short while back it was
much more difficult to be rich, but as riches were then quite out of fashion —
indeed, rather vulgar — this did not matter. A few years ago a Rolls