How to be a Brit

he struck his forehead and
the steam engine was discovered. It was the same with me, although
circumstances were rather different.
    It was like this. Some
years ago I spent a lot of time with a young lady who was very proud and
conscious of being English. Once she asked me — to my great surprise — whether
I would marry her. ‘No,’ I replied, ‘I will not. My mother would never agree to
my marrying a foreigner.’ She looked at me a little surprised and irritated,
and retorted: ‘I, a foreigner? What a silly thing to say. I am English. You are
the foreigner. And your mother, too.’ I did not give in. ‘In Budapest, too?’ I
asked her. ‘Everywhere,’ she declared with determination. ‘Truth does not
depend on geography. What is true in England is also true in Hungary and in
North Borneo and Venezuela and everywhere.’
    I saw that this theory was
as irrefutable as it was simple. I was startled and upset. Mainly because of my
mother whom I loved and respected. Now, I suddenly learned what she really was.
    It was a shame and bad
taste to be an alien, and it is no use pretending otherwise. There is no way
out of it. A criminal may improve and become a decent member of society. A
foreigner cannot improve. Once a foreigner, always a foreigner. There is no way
out for him. He may become British; he can never become ’ English.
    So it is better to
reconcile yourself to the sorrowful reality. There are some noble English
people who might forgive you. There are some magnanimous souls who realize that
it is not your fault, only your misfortune. They will treat you with
condescension, understanding and sympathy. They will invite you to their homes.
Just as they keep lap-dogs and other pets, they are quite prepared to keep a
few foreigners.
    The title of this book, How
to be an Alien, consequently expresses more than it should. How to be an
alien? One should not be an alien at all. There are certain rules, however,
which have to be followed if you want to make yourself as acceptable and
civilized as you possibly can.
    Study these rules, and
imitate the English. There can be only one result: if you don’t succeed in
imitating them you become ridiculous; if you do, you become even more
ridiculous.
     
    G. M.



I. How to be a General Alien
     

A WARNING TO BEGINNERS
     
    In
England 1 everything is the other way round.
    On Sundays on the Continent
even the poorest person puts on his best suit, tries to look respectable, and
at the same time the life of the country becomes gay and cheerful; in England
even the richest peer or motor-manufacturer dresses in some peculiar rags, does
not shave, and the country becomes dull and dreary. On the Continent there is
one topic which should be avoided — the weather; in England, if you do not
repeat the phrase ‘Lovely day, isn’t it?’ at least two hundred times a day, you
are considered a bit dull. On the Continent Sunday papers appear on Monday; in
England — a country of exotic oddities — they appear on Sunday. On the
Continent people use a fork as though a fork were a shovel; in England they
turn it upside down and push everything — including peas — on top of it.
    On a continental bus
approaching a request-stop the conductor rings the bell if he wants his bus to
go on without stopping; in England you ring the bell if you want the bus to
stop. On the Continent stray cats are judged individually on their merit — some
are loved, some are only respected; in England they are universally worshipped
as in ancient Egypt.

    On the Continent people
have good food; in England people have good table manners.
    On the Continent public
orators try to learn to speak fluently and smoothly; in England they take a
special course in Oxonian stuttering. On the Continent learned persons love to
quote Aristotle, Horace, Montaigne and show off their knowledge; in England
only uneducated people show off their knowledge, nobody quotes Latin and Greek
authors in the course of a conversation, unless he has never read them.
    On the Continent almost
every nation whether little or great has openly declared at one time or another
that it is superior to all other nations; the English fight heroic wars to
combat these dangerous ideas without ever mentioning which is really the
most superior race in the world. Continental people are sensitive and touchy;
the English take everything with an exquisite sense of humour — they are only
offended if you tell them that they have no sense of humour.