How to be a Brit

On the Continent
the population consists of a small percentage of criminals, a small percentage
of honest people and the rest are a vague transition between the two; in
England you find a small percentage of criminals and the rest are honest
people. On the other hand, people on the Continent either tell you the truth or
lie; in England they hardly ever lie, but they would not dream of telling you
the truth.
    Many continentals think
life is a game; the English think cricket is a game.

INTRODUCTION
     
    This is a chapter on how to
introduce people to one another.
    The aim of introduction is
to conceal a person s identity. It is very important that you should not
pronounce anybody’s name in a way that the other party may be able to catch it.
Generally speaking, your pronunciation is a sound guarantee for that. On the
other hand, if you are introduced to someone there are two important rules to
follow.
     
    1. If he stretches out his
hand in order to shake yours, you must not accept it. Smile vaguely, and as
soon as he gives up the hope of shaking you by the hand, you stretch out your
own hand and try to catch his in vain. This game is repeated until the
greater part of the afternoon or evening has elapsed. It is extremely likely
that this will be the most amusing part of the afternoon or evening, anyway.
    2. Once the introduction
has been made you have to inquire after the health of your new acquaintance.
    Try the thing in your own
language. Introduce the persons, let us say, in French and murmur their names.
Should they shake hands and ask:
    ‘Comment allez-vous?’
    ‘Comment allez-vous?’ — it
will be a capital joke, remembered till their last days.
    Do not forget, however,
that your new friend who makes this touchingly kind inquiry after your state of
health does not care in the least whether you are well and kicking or dying of delirium
tremens. A dialogue like this:
    He:
‘ How d’you
do?’
    You : ‘General state of health
fairly satisfactory. Slight insomnia and a rather bad corn on left foot. Blood
pressure low, digestion slow but normal.’ — well, such a dialogue would be
unforgivable.
    In the next phase you must
not say ‘Pleased to meet you.’ This is one of the very few lies you must never
utter because, for some unknown reason, it is considered vulgar. You must not
say ‘Pleased to meet you,’ even if you are definitely disgusted with the man.
    A few general remarks:
     
    1. Do not click your heels,
do not bow, leave off gymnastic and choreographic exercises altogether for the
moment.
    2. Do not call foreign
lawyers, teachers, dentists, commercial travellers and estate agents ‘Doctor.’
Everybody knows that the little word ‘doctor’ only means that they are Central
Europeans. This is painful enough in itself, you do not need to remind people
of it all the time.



THE WEATHER
     
    This is the most
important topic in the land. Do not be misled by memories of your youth when,
on the Continent, wanting to describe someone as exceptionally dull, you
remarked: ‘He is the type who would discuss the weather with you.’ In England
this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling topic, and you must be good at
discussing the weather.
     
    EXAMPLES FOR CONVERSATION
    For Good Weather
     
    ‘Lovely day, isn’t it?’
    ‘Isn’t it beautiful?’
    ‘The sun…’
    ‘Isn’t it gorgeous?’
    ‘Wonderful, isn’t it?’
    ‘It’s so nice and hot...’
    ‘Personally, I think it’s
so nice when it’s hot - isn’t it?’
    ‘I adore it — don’t you?’
     
    For
Bad Weather
    ‘Nasty day, isn’t it?’
    ‘Isn’t it dreadful?’
    ‘The rain... I hate
rain...*
    ‘I don’t like it at all. Do
you?’
    ‘Fancy such a day in July.
Rain in the morning, then a bit of sunshine, and then rain, rain, rain, all day
long.’
    ‘I remember exactly the
same July day in 1936.’
    ‘Yes, I remember too.’
    ‘Or was it in 1928?’
    ‘Yes, it was.’

‘Or in 1939?’
    ‘Yes, that’s right.’
    Now observe the last few
sentences of this conversation. A very important rule emerges from it. You must
never contradict anybody when discussing the weather. Should it hail and snow,
should hurricanes uproot the trees from the sides of the road, and should
someone remark to you: ‘Nice day, isn’t it?’ — answer without hesitation:
‘Isn’t it lovely?’
    Learn the above
conversation by heart. If you are a bit slow in picking things up, learn at
least one conversation, it would do wonderfully for