How to be a Brit

acquire an Oxford accent. The advantage of this
is that you give the idea of being permanently in the company of Oxford dons
and lecturers on medieval numismatics; the disadvantage is that the permanent
singing is rather a strain on your throat and that it is a type of affection
that even many English people find it hard to keep up incessantly. You may fall
out of it, speak naturally, and then where are you?
    The Mayfair accent can be
highly recommended, too. The advantages of Mayfair English are that it unites
the affected air of the Oxford accent with the uncultured flavour of a
half-educated professional hotel-dancer.
    The most successful
attempts, however, to put on a highly cultured air have been made on the
polysyllabic lines. Many foreigners who have learnt Latin and Greek in school
discover with amazement and satisfaction that the English language has absorbed
a huge amount of ancient Latin and Greek expressions, and they realize that (a) it is much easier to learn these expressions than the much simpler English
words; ( b) that these words as a rule are interminably long and make a
simply superb impression when talking to the greengrocer, the porter and the
insurance agent.
    Imagine, for instance, that
the porter of the block of flats where you live remarks sharply that you must
not put your dustbin out in front of your door before 7.30 a.m. Should you
answer ‘Please don’t bully me,’ a loud and tiresome argument may follow, and
certainly the porter will be proved right, because you are sure to find a
clause in your contract (small print, bottom of last page) that the porter is
always right and you owe absolute allegiance and unconditional obedience to
him. Should you answer, however, with these words: ‘I repudiate your petulant
expostulations,’ the argument will be closed at once, the porter will be proud
of having such a highly cultured man in the block, and from that day onwards
you may, if you please, get up at four o’clock in the morning and hang your
dustbin out of the window.
    But even in Curzon Street
society, if you say, for instance, that you are a tough guy they will consider
you a vulgar, irritating and objectionable person. Should you declare, however,
that you are an inquisitorial and peremptory homo sapiens, they will
have no idea what you mean, but they will feel in their bones that you must be
something wonderful.
    When you know all the long
words it is advisable to start learning some of the short ones, too.
    You should be careful when
using these endless words. An acquaintance of mine once was fortunate enough to
discover the most impressive word notalgia for back-ache. Mistakenly,
however, he declared in a large company:
    ‘I have such a nostalgia.’
    ‘Oh, you want to go home to
Nizhne-Novgorod?’ asked his most sympathetic hostess.
    ‘Not at all,’ he answered.
‘I just cannot sit down.’
    Finally, there are two
important points to remember:
    1. Do not forget that it is
much easier to write in English than to speak English, because you can write without a foreign accent.
    2. In a bus and in other
public places it is more advisable to speak softly in good German than to shout
in abominable English.
     
    Anyway, this whole language
business is not at all easy. After spending eight years in this country, the
other day I was told by a very kind lady: ‘But why do you complain? You really
speak a most excellent accent without the slightest English.’

HOW NOT TO BE CLEVER
     
    “You foreigners are so clever,’
said a lady to me some years ago. First, thinking of the great amount of
foreign idiots and half-wits I had had the honour of meeting, I considered this
remark exaggerated but complimentary.
    Since then I have learnt
that it was far from it. These few words expressed the lady’s contempt and
slight disgust for foreigners.
    If you look up the word clever in any English dictionary, you will find that the dictionaries are out of date and
mislead you on this point. According to the Pocket Oxford Dictionary, for
instance, the word means quick and neat in movement... skilful, talented,
ingenious. Nuttall’s Dictionary gives these meanings: dexterous, skilful,
ingenious, quick or ready-witted, intelligent. All nice adjectives, expressing
valuable and estimable characteristics. A modem Englishman, however, uses the
word clever in the sense: shrewd, sly, furtive, surreptitious,
treacherous, sneaking, crafty, un-English, un-Scottish, un-Welsh.

    In England it is