How to Talk to a Widower

told you before, I’m not interested in becoming the poster boy for young widowers.
    —D

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2006
    Subject: Don’t Be an Idiot!!!

    How many times have you bitched to me about having to write the same senseless, masturbatory tripe about narcissistic, vacuous movie stars?
She was awkward and gangly in high school. He just wants to act and doesn’t buy into the whole celebrity thing.
Nobody cares! You’re finally writing about something real, and it’s striking a chord around the country. You’ve tapped into something significant here, and you owe it to yourself to see it through. Also, the word has come down from Bernie over at M that the magazine will negotiate exclusive subsidiary rights for excerpts. They’ll pay you to promote your book! Come on, Doug, it’s the brass fucking ring! This is the best thing that ever happened to you!
    —K

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2006
    Subject: Fuck Off Kyle

    I know you pride yourself on being an asshole, but you can’t seriously mean that the death of my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me? Even you, as horrible and self-absorbed as you are, can’t be that callous and obtuse.
    —D

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2006
    Subject: Chill the Fuck Out!

    First of all, this is America, and I can be as callous and obtuse as I want to. Secondly, I wasn’t referring to Hailey’s death, but to your writing about it. When you started submitting the Widower column, no one at M was thrilled about the change, but I beat the shit out of Bernie to run with it, mostly because I figured the sooner you worked through your grief, the sooner you could go back to jerking off young starlets. Turns out, it made you a better writer and now your stuff is resonating with their readers. That’s 300,000 or so potential book buyers already lined up, and that makes you a publisher’s wet dream. Now everyone knows who you are. You want to cling to some misguided notion that you’re somehow profiting from Hailey’s death, you go ahead and do that, but let’s call it what it really is: Fear of Success. And, my friend, you had that long before you lost your wife.
    —K
    P.S. No charge for the free therapy.

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2006
    Subject: Maybe So, But …

    Right or not, the point is moot anyway. For those of us keeping score, I just passed the one-year mark. How long can one legally write about this stuff anyway? At some point you have to move on, at least outwardly, right? And that means no more dwelling on my grief, which, in my case, means no more writing about it. So bring on the movie stars …
    —D

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2006
    Subject: Funny You Should Say That …

    Actually, that’s perfect, because I was thinking that we expand it a bit, and you start writing about getting back out there, you know? I mean, there’s some beautiful, heartbreaking material there. All the stuff you’re going to be going through after so many years. Your first date, your first lay, your first girlfriend … It’s like being born again. You’ll write it with the same wit and pathos, and I will land you a nice two-book deal with a major publisher. Come on, Doug, you know this could be brilliant!
    —K

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2006
    Subject: You Are a Sad, Sorry Excuse for a Human Being

    Sorry, Kyle. Next month my last Widower column runs and then I’m back to Hollywood.
    —D

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2006
    Subject: You’ve Got Another Thing Coming

    Apparently, you haven’t been reading the magazine. In your absence, they’ve given the Hollywood beat to Krause. So if you’re going to keep a column, you’re going to have to come up with something else to write about. You’ve been out of it for a year, what did you think they would do?
    —K

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: Wednesday, September 13, 2006
    Subject: Krause Is an Idiot

    He is.
    —D

    From:
[email protected]
    To:
[email protected]
    Date: