I'll Be Here

sorry.
                I want to crawl into her lap and bury my head into her chest. 
    I want her to hug me back and call me her little girl. 
                I want her to kiss my forehead, just above my eyes and smooth my hair back away from face.
                I want her to tell me what to do about Alex.
                I want her to make all the hurt go away.
                I want cancer to eat up my yesterdays and let my tomorrows go.
                I want everything to be okay.
                I clear my throat.  Her eyes flick to me. 
                There’s always a way to begin .  That’s what Alex said.  And, isn’t that what Laney and I did?  Found a new beginning.
    I take a deep breath, my throat flexing.  “Alex saw me getting pizza with Dustin and now we’re not talking.”
                Mom waits a long time before saying anything.  She seems barely surprised and I figure that she’s already spoken to Brooke and knows all of this but that’s not really the point of this conversation, is it?  She blinks and wipes her cheeks.  Her hands move again with purpose over the earth.
     “And?”  She finally prompts me, her face shrouded in the hat’s shade.
                 My shoulders sag with relief.  I smack the rake to the ground, snagging it on a root.  “ And, Dustin wanted to get back together but I told him that I didn’t think that was such a great idea.  But Alex saw us together and it’s all messed up and now I’m gardening with my mother when I should be getting ready for my prom so I guess that’s really the end of the story.”
                She raises her head.  “That’s a pretty pathetic ending, don’t you think?”
                “Maybe it is.”
                “Well, what did Alex say when you explained that you turned Dustin down?”
                I shrug.  “I wouldn’t know because like I said—we haven’t talked.  He bailed on Friday and has yet to return my calls.  He warned me that he was the jealous type and even though nothing happened with Dustin, I guess that seeing us together was just too much.” 
                “How many times did you try to call him?”
                “Two I guess.”
                “Did you leave a message explaining that what he saw is not what he probably thinks he saw?”
                “Nooooo,” I put my rake down.  “Not exactly.”
                “Not exactly?” 
    Now we’re staring at each other and I can feel my mother thinking. 
    “So you’re telling me that you had a misunderstanding with the boy that you’ve liked since you were in middle school and you’re just going to let it fall apart without even trying?”
                A blush is starting at the base of my neck working its way up.  “I didn’t say that—”
                “Willow, don’t let yourself be defeated so easily.  This is just like the art thing.  Here you are a little girl who draws and sees the world in beautiful snatches of lines and light,” she says and her eyes are dancing with water.  The shadow of a cloud descends on her and her whole body takes on a blueish quality.  Even the hat.  “You loved art your whole life and wanted to build your life around it and you let one boy take that away from you.”
                “Mom, this isn’t about art or—”
                But she isn’t waiting for me.  She ignores my unsure breathing and keeps going.  “Let’s call this what it is Willow.  This is you being afraid .”  I try not to flinch at the familiarity of the words.  It’s like déjà vu, but not totally because this is not a glistening sidewalk and those are not Alex’s lips moving.  This is my mother and it is clear that I’ve been pretending all this time.  She sees right through me. 
    “Afraid of rejection, of failure, of cancer… Afraid of love. ”
    What do you do when your own mother throws something so real and true in your face?
    What do you do when your body cracks open and everything inside of you is spilling out?
    What do you do when the blue sky flattens you to the earth?
                I don’t know, so I just go on looking—my lips numb and my eyeballs hurting.
    Mom’s face drops.  “If I remember correctly, Alex is a Libra.  Libras are