In the Midst of Life

the sight of a dead body). This is still practised on state occasions and on the death of royalty. It is a practice that is also routine in the Orthodox Church.
    On the day of my grandmother’s funeral, the street was quiet. Every house had the curtains drawn and neighbours stood in theirdoorways as the funeral procession passed on its way to the church. Shopkeepers closed their shops for a while, and this ritual greatly helped my grandfather. I know, because he told me so. ‘She was treated with proper respect,’ he said. Afterwards, he did not have to hide his grief because neighbours understood and gathered round to support him. He lived alone for twelve years after her death, but was never lonely.
    For many years afterwards the whole family gathered at Grandad’s house on her birthday and took flowers to her grave. I remember my uncles and aunts, a noisy bunch, joking their way through the woods to her graveside, where we all sang her favourite hymn. Then we all walked back to the house for a party. For my grandfather, this continued family ritual was just as important as the rituals at the time of her death.
    Bereavement can be a devastating event. Dark clouds seem to cover the face of the earth. Reality evaporates and movement is suspended. An abyss of despair seems but a step away. The experience is very much eased if you have had the time to prepare for it, but there is no preparation for sudden or violent death and the shock that comes with it. The distress can be so traumatic it can lead to illness, and if the relative has to go to the mortuary to identify the body, particularly if it has been mutilated, the trauma can go on for years. There is always the question, ‘Why? Why did God allow it? There can be no God if such a thing can happen.’ Rage, hatred, and bitterness can burn or corrode, and often there is anger. Usually, God has to take all the blame, even from people who don’t believe in Him. Depression can follow, and years of professional counselling may be necessary. If true clinical depression develops, anti-depressant and psychiatric drugs are often prescribed: but this is not always the best way of treating a severe response to a life event.
    In bereavement, only time – occasionally years of time – can heal and allow the person to start living again. It is a time of emotional crisis, and the greatest need is for companionship – not all the while, just someone to be there from time to time to listen,talk, occasionally to hold a hand, or even to take over for a while. But sadly most people, especially elderly widows, find themselves isolated and edged out of society if they have no man to accompany them. Most of us are so screwed up about death that we cannot even bring ourselves to
talk
to someone in mourning and the feeling of abandonment compounds the loneliness that inevitably follows the loss of a life partner or loved one.
    Consequently, the bereaved will often try to hide their grief in a number of ways. They try to be cheerful and pretend everything is all right when, really, they are breaking apart inside and only want to cry and cry. Suppressing grief is a recipe for disaster and many people who act in this way suffer physical or mental ill-health at a later date.
    Society has changed so much in the last fifty years. Families are smaller and move about more, communities barely exist – a group of strangers thrown together cannot be described as a community. Counsellors take the place of friends and neighbours, and bereavement groups replace communities. These are vitally important, and some have described them as lifesavers – ‘I don’t think I would be alive now if it had not been for my counsellor’. All hospices, NHS hospitals, most local councils, and most churches run bereavement groups in which people can sit and talk about their loved ones – and simply talking about the departed is frequently all that is needed. Such groups are important, because someone who has already suffered and recovered from a devastating loss can communicate meaningfully with others in the same position.
    To be present at the time of death can be one of the most important moments in life. To see those last, awesome minutes of transition from life into death can only be described as a spiritual experience. And then afterwards, when the body lies still, one gets the strange feeling that the person has simply gone away, as though he has said, ‘I’m just going into the other room.