Interesting Times

Ghenghiz?” said Mr. Saveloy.
    “We’re heading back for the palace.”
    “Why?”
    “’Cos that’s where Hong’s gone.”
    “But there’s this astonishing—”
    “Look, Teach, I’ve seen walking trees and spider gods and big green things with teeth,” said Cohen. “It’s no good goin’ around saying ‘astonishing’ all the time, ain’t that so, Truckle?”
    “Right. D’you know, when I went after that Five-Headed Vampire Goat over in Skund they said I shouldn’t on account of it being an endangered species? I said, yes, that was down to me. Were they grateful?”
    “Huh,” said Caleb. “Should’ve thanked you, giving them all those endangered species to worry about. Turn around and go home right now, soldier boy!”
    A group of soldiers, fighting to get away from the red warriors, skidded in the mud, stared in terror at the Horde, and headed off in a new direction.
    Truckle stopped for breath, rain streaming off his beard.
    “I can’t be having with this running, though,” he said. “Not and push Hamish’s wheelchair in all this mud. Let’s have a breather.”
    “Whut?”
    “Stopping for a breather?” said Cohen. “My gods! I never thought I’d see the day! A hero having a rest? Did Voltan the Indestructible have a bit of a rest?”
    “He’s having one now. He’s dead, Ghenghiz,” said Caleb.
    Cohen hesitated.
    “What, old Voltan?”
    “Didn’t you know? And the Immortal Jenkins.”
    “Jenkins isn’t dead, I saw him only last year.”
    “But he’s dead now. All the heroes are dead, ’cept us. And I ain’t too sure about me, too.”
    Cohen splashed forward and snatched Caleb upright by his shirt.
    “What about Hrun? He can’t be dead. He’s half our age!”
    “Last I heard he got a job. Sergeant of the Guard somewhere.”
    “Sergeant of the Guard? ” said Cohen. “What, for pay? ”
    “Yep.”
    “But…what, like, for pay? ”
    “He told me he might make Captain next year. He said…he said it’s a job with a pension.”
    Cohen released his grip.
    “There’s not many of us now, Cohen,” said Truckle.
    Cohen spun around.
    “All right, but there’s never been many of us! And I ain’t dyin’! Not if it means the world’s taken over by bastards like Hong, who don’t know what a chieftain is. Scum. That’s what he called his soldiers. Scum. It’s like that bloody civilized game you showed us, Teach!”
    “Chess?”
    “Right. The prawns are just there to be slaughtered by the other side! While the king just hangs around at the back.”
    “Yeah, but the other side’s you , Cohen.”
    “Right! Right…well, yes , that’s fine when I’m the enemy . But I don’t shove men in front of me to get killed instead of me. And I never use bows and them dog things. When I kill someone it’s up close and personal. Armies? Bloody tactics? There’s only one way to fight, and that’s everyone charging all at once, waving their swords and shouting! Now on your feet and let’s get after him!”
    “It’s been a long morning, Ghenghiz,” said Boy Willie.
    “Don’t give me that!”
    “I could do with the lavatory. It’s all this rain.”
    “Let’s get Hong first.”
    “If he’s hiding in the privy that’s fine by me.”
    They reached the city gates. They had been shut. Hundreds of people, citizens as well as guards, watched them from the walls.
    Cohen waved a finger at them.
    “Now I ain’t gonna say this twice,” he said. “I’m coming in, okay? It can be the easy way, or it can be the hard way.”
    Impassive faces looked down at the skinny old man, and up at the plain, where the armies of the warlords fought one another and, in terror, the terracotta warriors. Down. Up. Down. Up.
    “Right,” said Cohen. “Don’t say afterwards I didn’t warn youse.”
    He raised his sword and prepared to charge.
    “Wait,” said Mr. Saveloy. “Listen…”
    There was shouting behind the walls, and some confused orders, and then more shouting. And then a couple of screams.
    The gates swung open, pulled by dozens of citizens.
    Cohen lowered his sword.
    “Ah,” he said, “they’ve seen reason, have they?”
    Wheezing a little, the Horde limped through the gates. The crowd watched them in silence. Several guards lay dead. Rather more had removed their helmets and decided to opt for a bright new future in Civvy Street, where you were less likely to get beaten to death by an angry mob.
    Every face watched Cohen, turning to follow him as flowers follow