Kinder des Schicksals 4 (Xeelee 9): Resplendent

So after your engagement
the Xeelee knew we had it. The fallback order you disregarded was
based on a decision at higher levels not to deploy the monopole
weapon at the Fog engagement, to reserve it for later. By proceeding
through the chop line you undermined the decision of your
superiors.’
    ’I couldn’t have known that such a decision had been made.’
    ’We argue that, reasonably, you should have been able to judge
that. Your error will cause great suffering, unnecessary death. The
Tolman data proves it. Your judgement was wrong.’
    So there it was. The Galaxy diagram collapsed into pixels. Tarco
stiffened beside me, and Dakk fell silent.
    Varcin said to me, ’Ensign, I know this is hard for you. But
perhaps you can see now why you were appointed prosecutor
advocate.’
    ’I think so, sir.’
    ’And will you endorse my recommendations?’
    I thought it through. What would I do in the heat of battle, in
Dakk’s position? Why, just the same - and that was what must be
stopped, to avert this huge future disaster. Of course I would
endorse the Commission’s conclusion. What else could I do? It was my
duty.
    We still had to go through the formalities of the court of
inquiry, and no doubt the court martial to follow. But the verdicts
seemed inevitable.
    You’d think I was beyond surprise by now, but what came next took
me aback.
    Varcin stood between us, my present and future selves. ’We will be
pressing for heavy sanctions.’
    ’I’m sure Captain Dakk will accept whatever - ’
    ’There will be sanctions against you too, ensign. Sorry.’
     
    I would not be busted out of the Navy, I learned. But a Letter of
Reprimand would go into my file, which would ensure that I would
never rise to the rank of captain - in fact, I would likely not be
given postings in space at all.
    It was a lot to absorb, all at once. But even as Varcin outlined
it, I started to see the logic. To change the future you can only act
in the present. There was nothing to be done about Dakk’s personal
history; she would carry around what she had done for the rest of her
life, a heavy burden. But, for the sake of the course of the war, my
life would be trashed, so that I could never become her, and never do
what she had done.
    Not only that, any application I made to have a child with Tarco
would not be granted after all. Hama would never be born. The
Commissaries wanted to make doubly sure nobody ever climbed on board
that Sunrise torpedo.
    I looked at Tarco. His face was blank. We had never had a
relationship, not really - never actually had that child - and yet it
was all being taken away from us, becoming no more real than one of
Varcin’s catalogued futures.
    ’Some love story,’ I said.
    ’Yeah. Shame, buttface.’
    ’Yes.’ I think we both knew right there that we would drift apart.
We’d probably never even talk about it properly.
    Tarco turned to Varcin. ’Sir, I have to ask - ’
    ’Nothing significant changes for you, ensign,’ said Varcin softly.
’You still rise to exec on the Torch - you will be a capable officer
- ’
    ’I still don’t come home from the Fog.’
    ’No. I’m sorry.’
    ’Don’t be, sir.’ He actually sounded relieved. I don’t know if I
admired that or not.
    Dakk looked straight ahead. ’Sir. Don’t do this. Don’t erase the
glory.’
    ’I have no choice.’
    Dakk’s mouth worked. Then she spoke shrilly. ’You fucking
Commissaries sit in your gilded nests. Handing out destinies like
petty gods. Do you ever even doubt what you are doing?’
    ’All the time, Captain,’ Varcin said sadly. He put a hand on
Dakk’s shoulder. ’We will take care of you. You aren’t alone. We have
many other relics of lost futures. Some of them are from much further
downstream than you. Many have stories which are - interesting.’
    ’But,’ said Dakk stiffly, ’my career is finished.’
    ’Oh, yes, of course.’
    There was a heartbeat of tension. Then something seemed to go out
of Dakk. ’Well, I guess I crashed through another chop line. My whole
life is never going to happen. And I don’t even have the comfort of
popping out of existence.’
    I faced Dakk. ’Why did you do it?’
    Her smile was twisted. ’Why would you do it? Because it was worth
it, ensign. Because we struck at the Xeelee. Because Hama - our son -
gave his life in the best possible way.’
    At last I thought I understood her.
    We were, after all, the same person. As I had grown up it had been
drummed into me that