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only that it happens so fast .”
She laughed, at that, and turned the conversation, telling me the latest developments in her sponsorship of the Courtesans’ Scholae. It had been Ricciardo’s project, in the beginning, but Allegra had been the true force behind much of it. In Terre d’Ange, Naamah’s Service is a sacred calling. It will never be so in La Serenissima, where folk do not worship Elua and his Companions, but at least their status in society had risen since the Scholae was formed. There is strength in numbers and knowledge alike. Nothing will ever rival the elegant splendor of the D’Angeline Night Court, but the well-educated courtesans of La Serenissima were gaining renown throughout Caerdicca Unitas.
I was glad to hear it, since it was my idea.
We spoke of it aboard the ship, Joscelin and I, during the long, idle hours, after the worst bouts of his customary seasickness had passed. The duration was shorter this time. He was growing, I thought, more accustomed to sea-travel. Late summer was giving way to fall, but it was hot during the days. Our favorite time was evening, when the sun lowered beneath the distant horizon and twilight cooled the air.
“It was well-thought of you,” he said. “Naamah must be pleased.”
“Mayhap,” I said, looking curiously at him. “You used to despise what I did, do you remember? Do you still think it wrong?”
“Wrong?” Joscelin shrugged. “I was taught as much, among the Cassilines; not only Naamah’s service, but all of the ways of Elua and his Companions were folly. Cassiel alone stood steadfast to the truth, and one day he would guide Blessed Elua himself to redemption, whereupon all of Terre d’Ange would follow, both the earthly one and the true Terre d’Ange-that-lies-beyond.” He smiled wryly, gazing out at the horizon where the first star of evening was emerging. “I did believe it, when I first knew you.”
That much, I knew. “And now?”
“Now?” He turned his head to look at me. “No. Not when it is a contract entered freely in homage to Naamah, at least. That much, I have seen to be true. There are mysteries I may not understand, but I acknowledge them nonetheless. And my beliefs ... my beliefs too have changed. Now I believe the greatest of heresies among the Brotherhood: That in the end Cassiel chose to follow Elua out of love. Not a love born of divine compassion, but simply ...” he reached out and twined a lock of my hair about his fingers, “... love.”
I sighed, and leaned against him. “I have always believed as much.”
“You would,” Joscelin said companionably.
“True,” I agreed. A moment passed before I asked another question. “Joscelin, are you sorry we never had children?”
I felt his body stiffen slightly, then relax as I peered up into his face. “Honestly? Sometimes, yes.” He stroked my hair. “I would like it, I think ... I don’t know. And yet...” He shook his head and looked away. “I have never lied to you. Whatever the truth of Cassiel’s nature, I swore my vows in earnest.”
“What you broke,” I said softly, “you broke out of love.”
“I know.” He gazed at the fading glow of the horizon. “And I do believe it was in Cassiel’s service still. But I spoke true when I said I would strain his grace no further. If a child of ours ... if a child of mine was touched by Kushiel’s Dart...” He shuddered. “Truly, some things are beyond enduring.”
“I know,” I said. “Love, believe me, I do know it.”
“You alone are enough to nearly kill me.” A hint of humor returned to his voice. “Ah, Phèdre ... am I sorry for it? Yes, sometimes. I am sorry for many things, sometimes, and mostly they are things I cannot change, or would not if I could. Aren’t you?”
“Yes.” I watched more stars emerge as the sky darkened to velvet. “We would not be here, a thousand miles from home, if we had children.”
“No,” Joscelin said equably. “Probably not.”
A soft, steady wind blew as the Serenissiman sailors moved about the ship’s deck, kindling lamps fore and aft. Such frail sparks of light against the vast darkness, I thought, born aloft and lonely on the swelling breast of the ocean, while a canopy of brilliant stars spread overhead. I tried to imagine it, a life of domesticity and simple pleasures such as Allegra and Ricciardo Stregazza’s family shared at Villa Gaudio, given deeper meaning by the good acts of charity and governance both had
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