Left for Garbage

Apparently, although I don’t have details, my mother is considering writing a book. That would be the ultimate betrayal, if it’s true. It’s been really difficult between me and my mother lately, but I have to believe she still supports me, and would not commit such a horrible betrayal and try to profit from my terrible loss. The Bible tells me to forgive, but there are things I’ll never be able to forget. How could I?
    My life has not been as easy as people think , considering my appearance and my happy demeanor. People always think that really pretty girls have it easier, and while I can’t speak for every good-looking girl, I mean I’m not like a spokesperson for hotties or anything, but I can say that we have lots of problems that fugly girls don’t, and I might talk about some of them when I get out of here and start the press tour that Salvatore talks about to me.
    Having this new friend is like using a recorder because she’s kind of a loser , even though she’s really sweet, and she just listens to me and never says anything back. So I’ve told her some things about my home life, and I’m sharing some new memories which have, like, all suddenly come to me.
    Penelope says that the shock of them finding my dead child has made it all come up, like how an earthquake shakes loose stuff from the bottom of the ocean, which makes sense. So now I can remember that Seel was always trying to mess with me when I was little. I can remember it now perfectly, and as hard as it is to say these things because I love him, it’s like the Bible says, the truth will set me free, so here it is …
    I was sexually abused by my brother.
    There were nights I would wake up with a flashlight in my face and I’d be thinking I was being kidnapped. Then I’d see it was Seel. Sometimes I’d wake up and he’d be sitting on the floor next to my bed, just sitting there staring at me. One time I awakened to him rubbing my breasts, and many times I went to sleep wearing a bra, but come morning, that bra would be shoved up around my neck and I know I’m not the one who did that .
    People are going to say that I’m making all this up now just because I’m in jail, but that’s a lie , because I told Bobby, my ex-fiancé, about all this a long time ago, back when I was pregnant with Deeley. I know people are calling me a liar and using that nasty nickname ‘Fibber McMom’ that crazy woman who hates me, Charlotte Hope, made up for her show, but Seel really did do this stuff to me, he did, and that bad reputation about being the Fibbing McMom, or whatever it is that crazy bitch Charlotte Hope calls me … but these things happened to me, I swear in the name of God they did. You can even ask my mom, because now I remember telling her about what Seel was doing to me.
    Seel’s abuse started right before I turned twelve. When I turned fourteen, I had had enough , so I confronted Seel and told him to never touch me again or I would kill him. Well, I really wouldn’t have killed him, but he got the message loud and clear, and he stopped. That was it, and we became closer after that, but I never forgot those scary nights. I forgive, as God says I should, but I will never forget them.
    A few years later, after Seel stopped messing with me, I thought I should tell my mother about it, just for the record. She sai d I must have been sleepwalking or dreaming. She accused me of removing my own bra and told me not to make up such lies about her son, yeah, her precious pedophile of a son. That really upset me. It hurt that my own mother did not believe me. I grabbed the family Bible and laid my hand on it and swore what I told her was true, what Seel had done, and you know what my mother said? She said I had always told lies and this was the worst one so far. My own mother called me a liar, and all because her own son was a pedophile and she wanted to protect him. All of which proves that if I wasn’t lying then I’m not lying now, and I’ve never lied, it’s just that a liar is what people call you when they don’t want to believe what you say, first my mom, now the cops, it makes me sick.
    I’m not a liar. My mom should look up the definition of ‘liar’, and while she’s at it, she should look up the definition of ‘mother’.
    I wish my mom could be a mother to me now and it’s sad that I feel that way , I mean that I still feel like I want a mommy, because I need someone to tell, besides Penelope, that I have had some more