Left for Garbage

alternative, then Deeley …
    ”Hey , little girl, you want to play sniffy dreams with Mommy?”
    Deeley looked up at her with enormous trusting brown eyes. “Okay , then can we go swimmy?”
    Denise nodded, too choked-up to speak. “Yeah, we can swim all day, if you want.”
    Deeley nodded, her sweet little face serious. “Okay, Mommy, I’ll sniffy.”
    Denise wai ted until Deeley put her nose against the damp cloth, and then as she always did, pressed it forward a little more with one hand while reaching around her daughter’s shoulders, using the other hand to support her so she didn’t hurt herself when the fumes knocked her out.
    Denise gently lowered her baby to the floor and began to move quickly. It would be easier now: she’d thought this out, she had this .
    Leaving Deeley in the kitch en, and still holding the Seven Up bottle and the crumpled paper towel, she opened the connecting door to the garage and moved toward her father’s work bench. She grabbed the roll of duct tape, sat the bottle down and walked back into the kitchen.
    Kneeling down beside Deeley, Denise kept her eyes locked on the top of her head, avoiding her face, muttering, “Come on, come … come on” as she wrestled with the sticky tape, finally clawing at it with her fingernails to separate a corner from the roll and, starting to sweat now, she clumsily placed the tape against Deeley’s jaw line and raised her up enough to keep unwinding it.
    Suddenly she thought she could hear the garage door opening. It would be her father and he would see and …
    O h, Jesus, hurry, hurry.
    The tape was now wound around Deeley’s lower face several times but Denise’s shaking hands couldn’t tear it free from the rest of the roll. Giving out a little scream because she was sure that the door to the kitchen would open in a second, she tore the tape free from the roll with her teeth, getting some of Deeley’s hair in her mouth in the pr ocess. She spat it out, and without looking at her daughter’s face, hoisted her to her shoulder and stood facing the door. If someone came through now all they would see was her holding Deeley and she would say … she would say what?
    Okay, she would say Deeley had fallen asleep , and then she would just rush her back to her room and figure out how to get the tape off her face so no one would know and … and no one was coming through the door, she was still alone.
    Denise exhaled and let out a shaky little laugh. “Jesus, you’re losing your shit,” she muttered.
    Gripping Deeley more firmly, she hoisted her higher so that Deeley was now resting over her shoulder. Giving the kitchen a final glance, Denise noticed the duct tape on the floor and gave it a little shove with her foot, moving it into the space between the refrigerator and the wall. She knew her purse and several changes of clothes were already in the car , so she guessed she was as ready as she’d ever be …
    N ot much longer now, not much farther now.
    Aaron would be waiting, they’d have a drink, some laughs, hang out - it would be okay - it will be okay , she comforted herself. She had planned it and nothing could go wrong, not anymore, not after all these bad times.
    Just keep walking. Keep doing what you need to do, and then it’s over and no more calls, no more, ‘Come home, Denise, you’re a mother now,’ … mother, mother, mother.
    Shaky, but resolute, she returned to the garage. Still holding Deeley, she opened the driver’s door and unlatched the trunk. L aying Deeley down carefully in the trunk, Denise started to close the lid but then hesitated, unable not to look fully at her little girl one last time.
    Deeley was beautiful, beautiful like her, and even the duct tape wrapped around her mouth and chin didn’t detract from her beauty. She was sleeping and in a minute, with her mouth covered, she’d be sleeping forever and it didn’t hurt. She hadn’t hurt her baby; she wasn’t like her own mother at all.
    Denise was seized by the impulse to kiss Deeley goodbye, to let her know that she wasn’t hurting her or mad at her, but she did n’t want to lean into the trunk … and then she had an idea.
    Leaving Deeley where she was, she spun and ran back into the house. Purposeful now, she almost skipped into Deeley’s room. After a minute of rummaging around, she found what she was looking for. She was smiling as she re-entered the garage and grabbed the bottle of chloroform and a laundry bag to go into the