Life and Death are Wearing Me Out

Huzhu, ran home and came back dragging a rope behind her. She flung it down in front of the ox, turned, and ran off. Her sister, Hezuo, was crouching under the big apricot tree rubbing Qiuxiang’s chest and weeping:
    “Mom, oh, Mom, are you okay . . .”
    Hong Taiyue tied the ox’s front legs together, then reached up and lifted Jinlong off the animal’s back. My brother’s legs were shaking; he couldn’t straighten them out. His face was nearly bloodless, and his arms were stiff. The crowd quickly moved away, leaving me alone there with the young ox, my ox, my brave independent ox, who might have been killed by a traitorous member of the independent farming family! I patted his rump and sang a dirge for it. Ximen Jinlong, if you’ve killed my ox, this world isn’t big enough for the two of us. I was shouting and, without a second’s hesitation, had called Lan Jinlong Ximen Jinlong. It was not a casual mistake. First of all, it drew a line between me — Lan Jiefang — and him. Second, it was a reminder to people not to overlook his origins, the son of a landlord, a boy in whose veins flowed the blood of Ximen Nao, the person with whom the Communist Party stood in mortal enmity.
    I saw Ximen Jinlong’s face turned as white as paper, and he began to rock, as if hit with a club. At the same time, the young ox suddenly struggled to stand. At the time, of course, I didn’t know you were the reincarnation of Ximen Nao, and was clueless about the complexity of feelings you were experiencing in the presence of Yingchun, Qiuxiang, Jinlong, and Baofeng. A tangled mess, I suppose. When Jinlong hit you, it was a son striking his father, wasn’t it? And when I yelled at him, I was cursing your son, isn’t that so? Your heart must be full of conflicting emotions. A mess, a real mess, your mind all twisted out of shape, and only you can make any sense of it.
    — I sure can’t!
    You tried standing, obviously still lightheaded, your legs sore. You still felt like acting up, but not with your legs tied. You wobbled a bit, nearly fell down, but finally you were on your feet. Your red eyes signaled the rage inside you, the labored breathing indicated the depth of your anger. Dark blood oozed from your pastel blue nostrils. From one of your ears as well, bright red, where a chunk was missing, probably bitten off by Jinlong. I looked around, but couldn’t find the missing chunk; maybe Jinlong had swallowed it. King Wen of the Zhou was forced to eat the flesh of his own son. He spit out several lumps of meat, which turned into rabbits that ran away. By swallowing a piece of your ear, Jinlong was eating his own father’s flesh, but he’ll never spit it out, and it will turn into waste that he’ll expel. What will it become after that?
    You stood in the middle of the yard, or should I say, we stood in the middle of the yard, not sure if we were victors or victims, which meant I couldn’t say if we suffered from humiliation or reveled in glory.
    Hong Taiyue patted Jinlong on the shoulder.
    “Good going, young man. Your first day as a commune member, and you’ve already rendered outstanding service. You’re a quick-witted, brave boy who isn’t afraid to look danger in the face. Just the sort of fresh blood the commune needs!”
    Jinlong’s cheeks reddened; Hong Taiyue’s praise obviously excited him. My mother walked up to rub his shoulder and squeeze his arm. The look on her face showed the depth of her concern for him, but it went unnoticed by Jinlong, who avoided her and edged up close to Hong Taiyue.
    I wiped your bloody nose and announced to the crowd:
    “You bunch of thugs, look what you did to my ox! You have to pay!”
    “Jiefang,” Hong Taiyue said sternly. “Your father isn’t here, so what I have to say I’ll say to you. Your ox knocked down Wu Qiuxiang, and her medical expenses are your responsibility As soon as your father returns, you tell him he has to fit the ox with a nose ring, and if he injures another member of the commune, he’ll be killed.”
    “Who are you trying to scare?” I said. “I’ve gotten this big by eating grains, not by being scared by anybody. Do you think I don’t know national policy? An ox is a big livestock, a tool of production. Killing one is against the law.”
    “Jiefang!” Mother cried out sternly. “How dare you talk to Uncle that way!”
    “Ha ha, ha ha.” Hong Taiyue laughed out loud. “Will you listen to that, everybody? He sure talks big. He actually