Life and Death are Wearing Me Out

use. To us he’s Chairman Mao!”
    “You’re right,” Dad said. “I should refer to him as Chairman Mao. As an independent farmer, I am still one of Chairman Mao’s subjects. This land and this house were given to us by the Communist Party, led by Chairman Mao. A couple of days ago, Hong Taiyue sent someone to tell me that if I didn’t join the commune, they’d have to resort to force. If a cow won’t drink, do you force its head into the water? No. I’ll appeal. I’ll take my case to the county, to the province, even to Beijing, if necessary.” He turned to Mother. “After I leave, you and the children join the commune. We have eight acres of land and five people. One point six acres per person. You take six point four acres with you and leave the rest for me. We have a plow that we were given during land reform. You take that with you. But the young ox stays. There’s no way we can divide up this three-room house. The children are grown, and this place is too small for them. After you join the commune, ask the production brigade for a plot of land to build a house. When it’s ready, you can move in and I’ll stay here. As long as the place is standing, this is where you’ll find me. If it collapses one day, I’ll throw up a tent, but I won’t go anywhere.”
    “Why do you have to do this, Dad?” Jinlong said. “By going against the tide of socialism, aren’t you just looking in a mirror to see how ugly you are? I may be young, but I have the feeling there’s a class war coming. For people like us, with no red roots to fall back on, going with the tide may be the only way to avoid disaster. Going against the tide is like throwing an egg at a rock!”
    “That’s why I want you to join the commune. I’m a hired hand, what do I have to be afraid of? I’m forty years old, a man who never did much of anything. So what happens? I make a name for myself by being an independent farmer. Ha ha, ha ha ha ha.” He laughed so hard, tears ran down his blue face. He turned to Mother. “Put some dry rations together for me,” he said. “I’m going to appeal my case.”
    By this time, Mother was crying. “I’ve stayed with you all these years,” she said. “I can’t leave you now. Let the children join the commune. I’ll stay and work with you.”
    “No,” he said. “With your bad background, joining the commune is your only protection. If you stay with me, they have all the reason they’ll need to dredge up your background, and that’ll just mean more trouble for me.”
    “Dad,” I blurted out, “I want to farm with you!” “Nonsense! You’re a child, what do you know?” “I know, I know a lot. I hate Hong Taiyue, Huang Tong, and that bunch as much as you do. And Wu Qiuxiang disgusts me. Who does she think she is, with her bitchy dog’s eyes and a mouth that looks like an asshole? What gives her the right to come to our house and pretend she’s some kind of progressive?” Mother glared at me. “What kind of talk is that from a child?” “I’m going to farm with you, Dad,” I said. “When you take out the fertilizer, I’ll drive the oxcart. With its wooden wheels, it lets everyone know it’s coming — creak creak — I love the sound. We’ll be independents, individual heroes. I envy you, Dad, and I’m going to stay with you. I don’t need to go to school. I never was much of a student. As soon as class starts, I doze off. Dad, half your face is blue, and I’m half a blue face. Two blue faces, how can you separate that? People laugh at me because of my birthmark. Well, let them laugh, they can laugh themselves to death, for all I care. Two blue-faced independent farmers, the only ones in the county, the only ones in the province. That makes me proud. Dad, you have to say okay!”
    He did. I wanted to go with him to appeal his case, but he told me to stay home and take care of the young ox. Mother took some pieces of jewelry out of a hole in the wall and gave them to me. Obviously, there were gaps in the land reform campaign, and she had managed to hold on to some valuables. Dad sold the jewelry for traveling money, then he went to see County Chief Chen, the man who had indirectly destroyed our donkey, and asked for the right to remain an independent farmer. Father argued his case forcefully. In terms of policy, Chen said, you’re free to farm independently. But I hope you choose not to. County Chief, Dad said, in the name of that black donkey of ours, I’d like