Light in the Shadows

and the electroshock therapy and patients wandering around in long white gowns. 
                    Clay gave a humorless laugh before returning to his story.  “I was poked and prodded so much that I felt like some sort of science experiment gone badly, but I just didn’t care.  I was past worrying about myself.  I hated my parents, I hated myself, I hated the staff, my only thought was biding my time until I could leave.  And I knew once that happened, I would make sure to finish what I had started in that motel room.”
                    My heart was hammering in my chest.  This is exactly what I was afraid of.  This was everything I had feared for him when his parents took him away.  To know that he had been alone and suffering was like a knife to my gut.
                    I discreetly brushed away the tears that had silently made their way down my cheeks, making sure that he didn’t see how much his words were hurting me.  I knew that if he saw, he may shut down and not talk about it at all.  And I didn’t want that, even though his story was tearing me apart.
                    “But at some point, it all changed.  I’m not sure what did it exactly.  Maybe it was the new medication.  Once I was off the Lithium and started taking the Tegretol, I started to feel…well, not better exactly, but I wasn’t experiencing the out of control swings anymore.  The fucked up thing was I missed the mania.  I still miss it.  I liked the person I was when I was feeling that high.”  He sounded almost wistful when talking about his manic swings.  I didn’t understand how he could ever want to feel like that, but I didn’t say anything.  The truth was I’d never understand any of this.  I could only listen and support him. 
                    “But you’re still taking your meds, right?” I had to ask.  His refusal to take his medication had been our biggest problem.  He needed them. He couldn’t function without them.  I wasn’t sure there would ever be a day I didn’t worry whether he was taking them or not. 
                    Clay met my eyes, they burned straight into mine.  “Yes, Maggie.  I haven’t missed a pill since I started the Tegretol.  I swear to you, I won’t do that to myself again,” he said firmly and with total conviction.  My belly uncoiled a bit.
                    Clay ran his hands up and down my back, as though the action comforted him.  I knew this was hard for him to talk about. 
                    “I know that stopping my medication isn’t an option. I’ll have to take them every day for the rest of my life.  It’s just how it is.  I think I’ve come to terms with that.  Or at least, I’m trying.” The rhythmic movement of his hands continued and I tried to relax.  But I was wound too tight.
                    “I’m glad to hear that,” I told him and he gave me a small smile but didn’t respond to my statement.
                    “Dr. Todd said sometimes it takes changing your medication multiple times until you find something that works with your body chemistry.  I was lucky that I found what worked for me so quickly.  Because the trial and error period is horrible.  I saw it first hand in some of the other patients.  They were miserable.”
                    “Dr. Todd?” I asked.
                    Clay nodded.  “Yeah, Dr. Todd.  He was my therapist at Grayson’s.  He’s pretty cool.  He’s the first shrink I’ve had that made me feel like I had a chance at dealing with everything.  He just…got me, you know?” 
                    “And your new therapist, what’s he like?”
                    Clay shrugged. “He’s nice.  I like him.  He and Dr. Todd are working closely together right now, so that’s cool.  He’s different, but I think we’ll get on fine.”  I was relieved to hear that.  Clay smirked at me and I raised my eyebrows at him in question.
                    “Actually, he’s suggested I bring you in for one of my sessions,” he said, surprising me.
                    “Me?  Why would he want to see me?” I squeaked.  I knew this took a lot for Clay to say, but I was sort of weirded out by the thought of going to therapy.  Weren’t we too young for couple’s counseling?