Light in the Shadows

              Clay laughed.  “That’s what I said.  But he told me it would be good for us to talk about our relationship, to make sure we don’t fall back into old patterns.  Both Shaemus and Dr. Todd are very aware of how important you are to me and they just want to make sure what we have is healthy.  For both of us.  It’s easy to put your feelings in the backseat.  I know you got sucked under by what I was going through.  But we have to go into this as equals.  It can’t just be about me”
                    What could I say to that?  He had always been amazingly insightful and self-aware.  But his inability to change or control his behaviors caused immeasurable damage.  Yet, here he was, one institution stay later, saying things that I never thought I’d hear.  I wasn’t delusional enough to think he was all fixed now.  I knew this was an ongoing process.  But what he was laying at my feet was the opportunity to share with him in his healing.  Something he had denied me when he went away.
                    Something I knew I would jump at the chance to do.
                    “Of course I’ll go with you.  I’ll do whatever I can to make sure you’re happy and healthy.  I want us to work.  I want this to last.  You just let me know when and I’m there,” I promised. 
                    Clay cupped my face between his hands and the look in his eyes made me feel all gooey.  “You are the most selfless and amazing person I’ve ever met Maggie May Young.  I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I will try every single day to make sure I’m worthy of the faith you put in me.”
                  I leaned forward and touched my lips, ever so gently against his.  He hummed in approval and moved one hand to cup the back of my neck while the other snaked around my middle, pulling me closer.  I was pressed up against him, our mouths moving against one another and I couldn’t ignore the tingling heat that was creeping its way through my body.
                    When his tongue touched the seam of my lips, I opened them without hesitation.  Our tongues tangled together as we devoured one another.  I gripped at his shirt, the blanket falling away from my shoulders and his hands moved down my body. 
                    His fingers stopped just shy of the hem of my dress, which had hiked up my thighs and was barely covering my bottom half.  How easy it would be to jump back into the physical side of our relationship.  When everything else had been so crazy, that was one thing that had always made sense.  When our bodies came together it had been the most beautiful thing I had ever known. 
                    I could feel how much Clay wanted me.  It was pressed intimately against the valley between my legs as I squirmed in his lap.  He groaned, rich and raw in the back of his throat, his fingers digging into my flesh, the only barrier being my thin tights. 
                  But just as soon as we were moving to where I wanted to go, Clay pulled away.  His eyes were tightly closed and his breathing ragged.  My heart hammered in my chest and I had to fight myself for control.  I wanted him.  More than anything.
                    “Maggie,” my name came out as a moan and it was such a turn on.  I pressed against him again; ready to pick up where we had so abruptly left off. 
                    Clay put his hands on my shoulders and I thought he was going to pull me closer but instead he held me away from his body.  “We can’t.  Not yet.”  He opened eyes that were heavy with desire and I knew that he only half meant his words.
                    I blinked in confusion.  “What?  Why?” I hated how whiney I sounded.  My body was buzzing and I wanted so desperately to be with him.  In every way that mattered.
                  “I want you.  I want this.  So much.  But we can’t.  Not while things are still so unstable.  Please, just give me some time.  I want everything to be perfect for you.  I want to be the guy you deserve.  Just understand, that when we’re together again, it will be amazing and wonderful and my head will be in a place where I know I can give you everything you ever wanted.”  I slithered off his lap trying not to act like a petulant child.