Light in the Shadows

the pair of scissors on Shaemus’ desk and cut myself wide.  The tears had been furious and intense. 
                  Shaemus didn’t bat an eyelash.  Thankfully he was like Dr. Todd in that way.  He had simply told me to take deep breaths, to focus on something else and walked me through pulling myself together.  It had taken awhile and I had gone over my session time by twenty minutes.
                    When my tirade was finished, he started talking about my returning to Grayson.  He had spoken with Dr. Todd and they could arrange for a place for me in two weeks. 
                    “I know you want to be here, for Ruby, for Maggie.  But what good are you to either of them when you are in pain?  They wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your health for them,” Shaemus had asked me gently.  I hadn’t been able to argue with that. 
                    I had left my therapy appointment feeling defeated.  I was a failure. Convinced that I couldn’t be in this town a moment longer. But I had gone home to find Ruby curled up on the couch, fast asleep, clutching Lisa’s coat in her hands.  The evidence of her drying tears on her worn face. 
                    How could I leave her?  Not when she was like this. 
                    I hadn’t called Maggie that night.  Worried that just the sound of her voice would either reinforce my desire to stay or make me want to get the hell out of there.  How could my love for her be so fucking conflicted?  It wasn’t fair to her.  Not after everything.
                    But when I had woken up in the morning, I felt good.  Happy even.  The events from the day before a hazy memory.  And I had picked Maggie up for school and just being around her put any thoughts of leaving firmly out of my mind.
                    How many times in my life had I convinced myself that everything would be fine?  It seemed that some things really hadn’t changed.
                    Particularly where Maggie was concerned.  Becoming consumed by her was dangerous territory.  One that I had traversed before with horrific results.  But it was such a beautiful way to fall.
                    Maybe it was time to get Maggie to come with me to therapy.  I was sure that this was a proactive way of taking control of my life.
                    “Do you think you could come with me to Shaemus’ office tomorrow after school?” I asked Maggie as we walked into the cafeteria for lunch.  I had taken to eating with her, Rachel and Daniel again.  And so far, it hadn’t been completely awkward. 
                    Rachel and I had developed a bond of tentative respect since working together at Bubbles.  She no longer avoided me and even tried to engage in conversation when we had our breaks.  I knew her efforts had more to do with Maggie than it had to do with me, but I appreciated it nonetheless. 
                    And Daniel.  His antagonism had surprisingly died down.  I knew he still watched me, waiting for the moment he had to intervene.  But thankfully there hadn’t been a need.  Despite my inner craziness, outwardly I was working my ass off to show the world I was a changed man. 
                    It was exhausting being two separate people.  I was beginning to wonder which was the “real” Clayton Reed.
                    Maggie stopped just inside the doorway to the overly loud lunch room and looked up at me.  Her eyes were soft and I knew she understood how hard it was for me to open this part of myself to her.  I hadn’t been able to do it last time, but this time, I would. 
                    “Sure.  I’ll just switch my shift at the coffee shop with someone.” 
                    “If it’s too much of a hassle, we can do it another time,” I assured her.  Maggie gripped my forearm, her fingers digging into my skin.
                  “No, I’ll be there,” she said emphatically and I leaned down to kiss the top of her head.  I felt the sensation of eyes on me.  When I looked up I saw that fuckwad, Jake Fitzsimmons staring at us.  He looked extremely unhappy at seeing Maggie and I together. 
                    Maybe it was juvenile, but I couldn’t help but sling my arm around Maggie’s shoulders and smirk