Light in the Shadows

tomorrow for your appointment.  But I’ve got to go.”  And with that she left.  I didn’t say anything more to Daniel or Rachel.  I picked up my tray and left the cafeteria.  I didn’t follow Maggie.  I thought about leaving her a note in her locker, the way I had done way too many times before.
                    But that was something the old Clay would have done.  The new Clay had to break the pattern.  Even if it was reaching out to strangle me.
    ***
                   
    I waited by my car after school on Thursday.  I hadn’t talked to Maggie since yesterday.  I knew she was taking a step back.  And for once I gave her space.  I didn’t stalk her like a psychopath.  Though I had tried to call her last night.  When she didn’t answer, I simply left her a message telling her that I loved her and left it at that.
                    I had met with the guidance counselor again at lunch time.  He was really pressing me to make some decisions about after graduation. I was really uncomfortable doing that.  I wanted to throw caution to the wind and commit to some idealization of what I wanted for my life.  But right now, with things being held together by a thread, I didn’t think that was the smartest idea. 
                    While goals were important, therapy encouraged them in fact, I just wasn’t ready to put them to paper.  Right now, I had to try and get through this vicious backslide I was finding myself in. 
                    When I saw Maggie walk across the parking lot toward me, I felt like I could breathe again.  My heart went into overdrive and I felt almost weak with relief.  I had been terrified that she wouldn’t meet me.  Not that I would have blamed her if she had turned her back and run as far away from me as she could get. 
                    But yet here she was.  And it reminded me that I had love and support and I was damn lucky.  I pushed my hair back off of my forehead, my palms sweating. 
                    “I wasn’t sure you’d show,” I admitted as she stopped in front of me.  She looked beautiful in jeans that fit her narrow hips in a way that put very inappropriate but very hot thoughts in my head.  Her teal sweater hung low around her neck and I tried not to be a total pig and peek down her shirt.
                  I was a guy after all.  I’d have to be dead not to notice how amazing she looked. 
                    She pulled her hair out of the collar of her jacket and gave me an unreadable look.  “I wasn’t so sure I’d show either.” I swallowed thickly.
                    “Look if you don’t want to go, I understand.  What I did was fucked up,” I started but she cut me off.
                    “Stop it, Clay.  I’ve thought about this long and hard.  That’s all I’ve done for the last twenty-four hours.  I’m sick and tired of obsessing over you.  I was really hoping we’d be past this.  But I think I’m just being naïve, and a little unfair to you.  I can’t expect you to morph into super Clay so quickly.  It’s only setting you up to fail.  While what you did was not cool, I committed to taking this journey with you.  And I won’t go back on that.  If there’s anything I can do to make this easier on you, then I’ll do it.”
    She stepped closer and narrowed her eyes.  “But if you ever touch me like that again, you’re going to find yourself missing a few fingers.  Are we clear?”
                  I nodded, finding any words inadequate.  Maggie took a step back and her face relaxed.
                    “Let’s get going,” she said and went around to the passenger side door. 
                  I hurried so I could open the door for her. I know it was old fashioned but opening her car door was the very least I could do.  I went through a few of those super-duper, handy calming techniques as I made my way to my side of the car. 
                    The air in the vehicle felt thick with tension and I didn’t know what to do to get rid of it.  I had always been ill equipped to handle uncomfortable situations.  Because they were usually a result of something I had done.  And now was no exception.
                    For once, Maggie didn’t put on any music, so we rode to Shaemus’ office in complete