Light in the Shadows

any punches.
                    I stared down into my lap, the hand that still held Maggie’s felt foreign and disconnected.  I could barely compute that she was still there with me.  I was left alone with my guilt.
                    “I feel like shit, alright.  I was a selfish dick, is that what you want to hear?” I was getting angry.  I wished I wasn’t because anger had never helped me.
                    Maggie squeezed my hand and I tried to calm down.  I took several deep breaths.  “I feel angry.  At myself for doing that to her.  I feel sad and regretful for all the time I missed.  I feel guilty for causing her pain.  And mostly I feel like a failure.  Because I failed Maggie.  And I failed myself,” I whispered.
                    I heard Maggie’s soft intake of breath and I looked up at her.  Tears fell steadily down her cheeks and her lower lip trembled.  Shaemus handed her a box of tissues and she took several Kleenex, wiping her face.
                    “Maggie, what do you feel, hearing about Clay’s pain?” Shaemus urged.  Maggie never took her eyes from mine as she answered.
                    “I feel sad.  But I also don’t want him to feel guilty, or ashamed, or any of those things.  He’s not responsible for what happened.  He was sick.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. 
                    “You don’t think Clay is responsible for his behavior?  That he isn’t ultimately culpable for what happened to him?” Shaemus asked her curiously.
                    When I opened my eyes it was to find Maggie glaring at my therapist.  Her chest heaved with her erratic breathing.  “How can you blame him?  He couldn’t control himself!  He has been suffering from bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorders most of his life!  What kind of person would that make me if I blamed him for something he that wasn’t his fault?”   Maggie’s voice was getting loud but Shaemus’ neutral expression never faltered.  I recognized the look.  He was getting ready to shrink her.
                    “I’d think you were normal.  Human.  How can you not blame him for putting you through that?  What I’m hearing right now is a young girl who was put in a horrible situation.  That’s a lot for someone so young to deal with.  No one would blame you for being angry with Clay.” 
                    Fuck me; this was like ripping your fingernails off.  I felt like interjecting something.  Perhaps defend myself.  But I realized that this session was just as much about Maggie as it was about me.  That it was about the fundamental dysfunction of the relationship we had had.  Getting Maggie to identify those things were important.  Even if it hurt like hell to hear.
                    Maggie dropped my hand and covered her face.  I shot Shaemus a look but he just held up his hand, watching Maggie closely.  Her shoulders shook and I felt horrible for bringing her here.  This was beyond messed up.  How could I put her through this shit all over again?  Making her relive one of the most gut wrenchingly painful periods of both of our lives.
                    “Yes, I’m mad at him.  I’m furious at him for hurting himself. For leaving me behind and cutting off all contact.  But more than that, I love him.  And I think…no I know that outweighs everything else.”  Maggie wiped the tears from her face and I could see the determined set of her jaw. 
                      Shaemus smiled.  “And that, we can work with.  But don’t make excuses for him or for yourself.  Denial hurts more than it helps,” he warned.
                    We spent the next hour talking about how we communicate with each other.  We talked about my jealousy issues and Maggie’s insecurities.  I was shocked to hear how little she really thought about herself.  And I recognized that I hadn’t done anything to make that better for her.  In fact, I had made it ten times worse. 
                    We discussed what had occurred in the cafeteria yesterday.  Shaemus proved to be an excellent sounding board to deal with the way were treating each other.  I felt mostly to blame for the problems between us, but Shaemus pointed out the ways both of us could work on communicating better.