Light in the Shadows

Way too many Mommy and Daddy issues and way too much self-loathing.  You’re heading into a bad place.  I can see it; I’ve been there enough times myself,” I hated to see my friend like this and it was unfortunately triggering something else in me.
                    A reminder of how much I had screwed up in my own life.  Of the person I still was deep down.  And I felt the all too familiar pain in my gut.  Maria didn’t respond.  I don’t know if it was because I had made her think about her behavior or whether she had just shut down. 
                  “I’m tired, I’m going to bed.  I have to get up and leave early.  So I’ll see you in the morning,” Maria said abruptly, getting to her feet. 
                    And I was left in the wake of it all, feeling like I had come face to face with a person who was more like me than I wanted to admit.

C HAPTER T WENTY- T WO    
    - C LAY-
     
     
                   
    Maria left the following morning without saying goodbye.  There wasn’t a phone call, a note, nothing.  I sent her a text, just to make sure she had gotten back to Alexandria safely, but she had never responded.  A week later and I still hadn’t heard from her.  I thought about reaching out but had decided not to.
                    Shaemus agreed that I needed to leave it alone.  When I brought up Maria’s whacked out visit during our next session he said it was best to let it go.  We had processed how I had been triggered by Maria’s erratic behavior and it had called into question my own mental stability.  The truth was I had seen way too much of myself in Maria Cruz.  It was like looking into one of those messed up mirrors in a fun house.  This warped distorted view of who I was. 
                    School started to ramp up toward graduation and I felt like I was hurtling through space toward some unknown destination.  I was no closer to knowing what the fuck I was going to do with my life than I ever was.  Maggie and her friends were excited about college.  Daniel had gotten accept to VCU and Rachel would be going to the University of Richmond.  They’d be less than fifteen minutes apart. 
                    Maggie had tried on numerous occasions to bring up college but I shut it down each and every time.  I felt like everyone was sprinting past me and I was falling further and further behind.  I wasn’t sure I was ready for college and everything that entailed and Maggie wouldn’t contemplate a future that held anything else.
                    We loved each other so much but I felt like we were starting to head in two very different directions.  Every day I felt the crushing weight of my fear and anxiety pressing in.  I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I only wanted the sweet oblivion of physical pain or a syringe full of mind erasing drugs.  The need was all I could think about.
                    Shaemus insisted I start going to NA meetings.  He could see how close I was coming to a relapse.  I knew it too, but some sadistic part of me relished in it.  Craved the total meltdown.  Because right now I couldn’t handle the effort of working through a normal life.  It was completely beyond me. 
                    And pretending was proving next to impossible.
                    Maggie could see something was wrong.  She confronted me and I couldn’t deny it.  I wanted to tell her she had nothing to worry about, but I was way past lying to her.  If I couldn’t give her the future she wanted, I could at least be honest. 
                    Even if I downplayed it a bit.
                    “Maybe we could go visit Piedmont Community College.  I’ve heard they have an excellent art program.  You know, just to have a look.  You don’t have to make a decision,” Maggie suggested as we sat in her backyard on a Sunday afternoon.  It was hot, the start of summer a little over a month away.  We were already in the middle of May and I just wished I could share in her enthusiasm for graduation.  But it seemed to loom in front of me like a warning sign, Caution, rough road ahead.
                    “Yeah, maybe,” I said dismissively, already knowing I wouldn’t do any such thing.  The wedge had been firmly inserted between us and I wasn’t sure what to do to