Light in the Shadows

devoid of anything resembling the contentment they radiated together.
     
                      “Yeah, I went over the next day to help him clean up and it was rank.  Ray was so hung over that he spent most of the time dry heaving in the sink,” Daniel shared.  I pushed my depressing and lonely thoughts out of my head. 
     
                      “You’re a better friend than me, Danny boy.  No way would I help anyone clean up vomit,” I said seriously.  Rachel tossed a napkin at me.
     
                      “Hey!   You wouldn’t help me clean up puke?  Really?” she complained.  I raised my eyebrow at her at shook my head.
     
                      “Is that a surprise?  I have my limits,” I told her.  My attention was pulled from my friend to watch Paul Delawder amble into the cafeteria. 
     
                       The school bully closed in on his newest target; a hapless freshman who quickly lost his cell phone and his lunch.  I almost got to my feet, ready to take on the nutwad again.  But Mr. Kane had for once witnessed the situation and was intervening. 
     
                     I was flooded with clear memories of that day almost nine months ago, when I had rushed in to save a boy who really didn’t want my help.  A boy who ended up needing me to save him so badly that he forgot to save himself.  I had let that boy down and now here I was a sad shell of who I had been.
     
                     I let out a noisy sigh and I turned my attention back to Rachel and Daniel who wore almost identical looks of worry.  I wish I could laugh at them.  They were so transparent.  They were scared to death I was going to crawl back into that dark hole I had disappeared into after I came back from North Carolina. 
     
                     But there was no way I would do that.  Because I was going to move on, even if my heart rebelled at the idea.
     
                      As if on cue, Jake slammed his tray down on the table beside me.  I jumped slightly at the sudden intrusion.  He slid onto the bench and quickly reached over to take my chocolate chip cookie.  I let him, not wanting to engage in a fake protest about it. 
     
                     I watched Jake out of the corner of my eye as he greeted Rachel and Daniel, who seemed genuinely pleased he was there.  And I was overcome with some seriously intense déjà vu.  This whole thing was wrong. 
     
                     Jake was sat in exactly the same spot that had been Clay’s.  He was laughing with my friends and taking bits of my lunch in a way that should have been reserved for Clay.  I started to feel irrationally angry about that.  I didn’t want Jake Fitzsimmons sitting there, in a seat meant for someone else. 
     
                      What had I just thought about moving on?  Because right now, my body, my mind and my heart wasn’t moving past the fact that the wrong guy sat beside me.  I got to my feet without a word.  I dumped my food unceremoniously onto Jake’s tray.  “If you’re so damn hungry, just have it all,” I barked.  Rachel and Danny, who had been in the middle of telling Jake about a movie they had seen, became instantly quiet.
     
                     Jake’s mouth hung open in shock and he looked at me with hurt evident on his face.  And that made me feel even worse.  “Sorry,” I mumbled and then walked away as fast I could without actually running.  
     
                     Of course Rachel followed me.  “Mags! Wait up!” she called out as I tried to make my escape.  There would be no getting away from her, so I stopped and let her catch up, resigning myself to a round of “what’s wrong?” 
     
                     But I should have known that Rachel would understand exactly what I needed.  Because she didn’t ask me anything.  “Let’s go to the library and study for that Chem pop quiz you know we’re going to have,” she said, pulling on my arm. 
     
                      I looked down at the petite girl and wanted to hug her.  And I would have, if that were my thing.  But since it wasn’t, I just let her pull me down the hallway.  And like that, my fantastic friend pushed me straight into that normal I was desperate to have.
     
    ***