Light in the Shadows

starts in ten.  You look like you could use a coffee,” she suggested, waiting for me to get to my feet.  As I got closer, she tossed me something.  I caught the package of Twizzlers and was finally able to give her a genuine smile. 
     
                      “Figured you’d need them,” Maria said lightly as though it wasn’t a big deal.  It had become our thing.  After a session, Maria would bring me Twizzlers and I would give her a bag of unsalted pretzels from the vending machine.  Stupid maybe, but it was the little stuff that made the bigger, terrifying stuff easier to stomach.  Maria understood that those sorts of things were important to me.  I needed those tiny, seemingly insignificant gestures. 
     
                     “You have no idea,” I muttered, tearing open the package. And now we were off to group therapy, fan-flipping-tastic.  I took a deep breath and steeled myself for another sixty minutes of sharing my feelings.  Maria looped her arm around my waist and leaned into my side.  I stiffened, still not feeling entirely comfortable with her easy physical affection.  I had never been the touchy feely sort.  Particularly not with someone whose name wasn’t Maggie.  So this felt wrong.  Like a betrayal.  Which was ridiculous.  I wasn’t with Maggie anymore.  And even if I was, I wasn’t remotely attracted to Maria.
     
                     But that didn’t change the fact that I knew Maria was attracted to me.
     
                    But I didn't move away.  And I didn't respond either.  I tried not to look as relieved as I felt when we reached the coffee machine and she dropped her arm.  “Tough session today, huh,” Maria stated rather than asked.  It had to be pretty clear on my face that I was not in a tap dancing kind of mood.
     
                     I grabbed the Styrofoam cup from the machine, opening the top in order to dump three packets of sugar inside.  I stirred my drink and snorted.  “Yeah, you could say that.  It's been a pretty crappy day all around,” I admitted, waiting for Maria to get her hot tea.
     
                      Maria gave me a sympathetic smile.  “That sucks.  But just make tomorrow better,” she told me.  I swear, sometimes I felt like after we all left this place, we could easily get employed writing fucking fortune cookies.  When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.  The day is darkest before the dawn.  It was a joke.  If I didn't need to believe that stuff so badly, I'd laugh at how douchy it sounded.
     
                      “Right,” I said shortly.  Maria rubbed my arm and gave me a look that let me know a little too clearly exactly what her feelings were where I was concerned. 
     
                     I cleared my throat.  I had to tell her something, anything to stop her from getting too carried away.  There was no way in hell I would ever be able to reciprocate her feelings.  Not that she wasn't a great girl.  But my heart wasn't mine to give away.  It had been taken months ago and I didn't see myself getting it back anytime soon. 
     
                      “Maria,” I started to say, moving away slightly so that her hand dropped from my skin.  Her smile flickered and died.  “You know I think you're awesome, right?” I said lamely.  I couldn't launch into it's not you it's me.   There was something fundamentally dickish about that. 
     
                     Maria laughed without humor and gulped down her tea.  “Yes, I'm awesome. And you really like my friendship right?” she asked with a surprising amount of bitterness.  Christ, had I led this girl on more than I thought?
     
                      “Seriously, Maria.  I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea...” and then she cut me off again. 
     
                     She gave me a strained smile.  “Nope, no wrong idea here Clay.  I've seen the picture by your bed.  I know the score.  We're friends.  Sorry if I made you feel like I wanted something else.  Not my intention, I swear.”  She held up three fingers in the Girl Scout promise thing. 
     
                      Damn it, this had the makings of epic awkwardness all over it.  Maria Cruz was easily my closest friend here.  And at this point in my life, friendship was in short supply.