Light in the Shadows

Ruby.  But I couldn’t make myself move.  I stood there, rooted to the spot, not sure if I wanted Maggie to see me or not, even as I screamed at her in my head to look at me.
                    Please.
                    As much as I missed her and dreamed of this moment, I was scared of it.  Too much had changed.  Yet seeing her, my heart and body reacted the same as it always had.  She had been my crutch and now she was something else entirely, a painful reminder of all the ways I screwed up.  But watching my gorgeous girl move through the crowd of people, I only saw the person I had pinned my future on.  And that was both exhilarating and terrifying.
                    But God, I loved her.  She was the piece I had been missing for the last three months.  She was everything I wanted in my life but was still unsure I deserved.  And this was why I wasn’t any good for her.  My feelings about Maggie May Young were too intense, too consuming and they always threatened to swallow me whole.
                    But then she lifted her eyes and met mine and everything else disappeared.  Her eyes were bright and I could see the way her chest started to rise and fall more rapidly.  Before I realized what I was doing, I was moving toward her at the same instant that she began to make her journey down the aisle of the church.
                    I saw Rachel over her shoulder, her eyes wide, her hand reaching out to possibly stop Maggie.  But there was no detaining her.  Our eyes never left each other as we worked to bridge the physical distance between us.
                    It was like every time we were together.  Our bodies orbited around each other as if pulled by an invisible force that we had no control over.
                    I wanted this.  And I wanted to run from it.  I wanted to pull her in and never let go.  And I wanted to push her away.
                    Two minutes.  That’s all it took for my head to short circuit.
                    Maggie stopped five feet away and we stood there, staring at each other.  I didn’t know what to say.  What worked as appropriate chitchat when you saw the love of your life again after breaking her heart?  And at a funeral no less.
                    I could see she was struggling as much as I was.  And I hated that.  Her face was flushed and I could see her pulse fluttering in her neck.  I wanted to taste her skin and feel her heart beat beneath my lips.
                    So instead, I went for the anti-climactic.
                    “Hi,” I said softly.  Maggie closed her eyes, as if in pain and when she opened them again, they were wet with tears.
                  “Hi,” she said, barely loud enough for anyone to hear.   But I could hear her.  I could always hear her. I wanted to reach out and touch her, my fingers tingled with anticipation.  As if they were already plotting ways to do so.  My breathing became shallow and I felt light headed.
                    The emotional punch to the gut was enough to leave me reeling.  And apparently Maggie was feeling the same way.  We stood there, staring at each other, unconcerned by the rest of the people in the room.
                    My eyes drank in the sight of her after so long.  I was drowning and parched all at the same time.  My senses were desperate to see, smell, taste, touch every inch of Maggie May Young.  But I was also overwhelmed by her presence.  Because with her came a deluge of memories that I wasn’t prepared to deal with.  Ones that left me shattered and torn apart.
                    The last time I had seen her I had been lying in a hospital bed and her face had been red and splotchy from crying.  The ringing of what I thought was her betrayal loud in my ears.  I had turned on her.  Turned on myself.  And I had almost taken us both down in my delusions.
                    “Clay, I’m so sorry for your loss,” Maggie said after a few heartbeats.  The way she said my name made me tremble inside.  I was acting like a little girl.  Man up ! I told myself harshly.  Don’t let her see you crumble. 
                    But her voice, smooth and full of emotion hit me straight in the center of my chest. The soft cadence of her voice as it