Light in the Shadows

              And Clay.  He had his arm around his aunt, holding her up as they slowly lowered Lisa’s casket into the ground.  People were singing Amazing Grace as the box containing Lisa’s body descended and finally disappeared.
                    Death was an unfeeling bitch.  It didn’t matter who you were, who loved you, it struck mercilessly and without discrimination.  I had never really experienced death.  I was lucky in that respect.  I wasn’t able to fully understand how gut-wrenching it was.
                    But watching Ruby and Clay, I felt for the first time how terrifying and lonely it was.  I hadn’t known Lisa nearly as long as they had but I felt her death deeply.  And knowing how it would affect the two people trying so hard to hold it together across from me, I wasn’t sure there was any coming back from that.
                    After dirt was tossed down into the hole, everyone began to disperse.  I wanted to go over to Clay again.  I wanted to be there for him so badly.  I couldn’t stand the look of anguish on his face.  It broke my heart all over again. 
                    “Come on, Maggie.” Rachel tugged on my arm and I tore my eyes away from Clay, who still stood with Ruby, staring at the ground where Lisa now rested. 
                    “Yeah, okay,” I said, walking with them down the rows of head stones.  Each step taking me farther and farther from Clay, yet again.  Why did I feel this separation even greater than the last one?  I had barely spoken to him, but it felt fundamentally wrong to leave him when he was hurting like that.
                    I had been so sure I could come here today, give my condolences and be strong enough not to be affected by him and his pain.  I really should have known better.  Because when it came to Clay, there was never a choice but to be with him.
                    “Your dad and I have to run to the grocery store.  We’ll meet you at home, okay?” my mom said, pulling me into a hug. 
                    “Okay.  I’ll see you later,” I said as she touched my cheek lovingly.
                    “You are such an amazing girl Maggie May Young.  And I’m so proud to be your mom,” she told me gently.  I smiled.
                  “Thanks Mom. I think I’m pretty amazing too,” I quipped.  My dad laughed beside me and ruffled my hair.
                  “Always so modest,” he teased, moving in for his hug. 
                    After they left I turned to Rachel and Daniel who were talking quietly by Rachel’s car.  “Do you have any plans this afternoon?” I asked them as I climbed into the backseat.  Rachel turned around in her seat. 
                    “Nope, we’re all yours girl.  What do you have in mind?  You want to give Jake a call and see that movie?  It might be good for you,” Rachel suggested and I grimaced.  That was not what I had in mind at all.  I wonder if they’d be cool with the plans I had decided on.
                    “Uh, no.  I was thinking we could head over to Ruby’s.  You know, for the family and friends thing,” I said quickly.  Daniel ran his hand through his hair and looked at me with obvious frustration.
                    “Do you think that’s really a good idea, Mags?  I mean come on.  That’s just opening up a load of bullshit.”  I tensed at his tone and dug my nails into my palm.  It was either that or slap his face. 
                    But then Rachel surprised me.  “Give it a rest, Danny.  She knows how we feel about things.  But if this is what she needs to do, then that’s where we’re going.”  She turned in her seat and put the keys in the ignition. 
                    Daniel stared at his girlfriend openmouthed.  “Rach, I thought we were on the same page about all this,” he said under his breath.  As if I couldn’t hear him.  Nice to know I was the topic of conversation behind my back. 
                    “I’m not trying to be an asshole, Mags.  I’m just not sure I can handle seeing you like that again,” Daniel said from the front seat.  He didn’t turn around to look at me.  He continued to stare out the window in front of him. 
                    I didn’t