Light in the Shadows

kept my head down.
                    “I’m sorry, Clay.  I know how much you loved Lisa.” I wanted to hold him while I said it, but that’s not where we were.  Not where we’d ever be again.  Hadn’t I told him just last week that love had stopped being enough?  So why did I want to throw my resolve straight out the window?
                    “Thanks, Maggie.  It’s been…rough,” he admitted, plucking at the skin around his fingernail.  I looked at his hands, and noticed that all of the nails had been bitten to the quick.  I wondered whether there would be any fresh cuts on his arms.  Any healing scabs.  Or had he defeated that particular demon?
                    But there was no way I could ask him.  “How’s Ruby holding up?” I asked, chancing a look at him up through my hair.  I saw his body rise and fall with his deep sigh.  He chewed at his bottom lip until it started to bleed.  The picking around his fingers became almost frantic. 
                    “Not good.  She’s barely keeping it together. I’m scared to leave her.  I’m not sure what will happen when I go back.” I think I stopped breathing then. 
                    “So you are going back then?” I asked.  I had suspected this was only a temporary visit, but hearing it confirmed definitely hurt.  Which was ridiculous.  We weren’t together anymore.  But my feelings hadn’t changed.  And even though I didn’t trust him with my heart, it was his nonetheless.
                    Clay looked at me, smoothing his raw lip with his tongue.  “I had planned on it. I still have a few weeks left at the center where I’ve been staying.  But I just feel like I’d be abandoning Ruby.  I’m not sure she’ll be able to handle living in this house alone.” He was scared, I could see that.  And while part of me wanted to drag more information out of him about where he’d been for the last few months, a bigger part of me just wanted to let it go.  There was no point it dredging it up right now.  It would accomplish absolutely nothing.
                    “I wish I could tell you what to do, but Clay that’s a decision you have to make for yourself.  Only you can decide where you need to be,” I said, sounding way wiser than I actually was. 
                    Clay’s lip quirked into a half smile.  “Wow, when did you get so deep?” he joked.  I laughed.
                    “You have no idea how deep I’ve become,” I teased back, though wished I had thought better of my words when I saw Clay’s face fall. 
                    “No, I guess I don’t know much about you anymore.” He sounded so sad and I hated it.  I grabbed his hand and held it between mine.  My thumb rubbed his skin in purposeful circles. 
                    “There is no one that knows me better,” I said firmly, needing him to believe that.  As though he couldn’t help himself, Clay dropped his head to my shoulder and pressed his nose into my hair. 
                    My heart began to beat wildly in my chest but there was nothing sexual in this.  It was just two people who loved each other, trying to make some sense in a world where there was none. 
                    I felt the wetness of his tears on my neck as he moved his face further into my hair.  I lifted my arm and wrapped it around his back.  His body shook with silent sobs and I just held him.  Like I had done a thousand times before. 
                    We didn’t say anything else.  We really didn’t need to.  But after a while I realized it was growing late as the shadows deepened in the room.  The light fought to chase them away and it was like watching a struggle as one tried to overtake the other. 
                    “I think we should go downstairs,” I said softly, rubbing the back of his head, letting his hair slide between my fingers, perhaps for the last time. 
                    Clay reluctantly sat up and rubbed at his face with his hands.  “Thank you, Maggie.  You’re always here to save me, aren’t you?” He touched my face, his eyes dropping to my mouth as if by compulsion.  I wondered briefly if he would try and kiss me.  And if he did, would I let him?
                    Turns out I didn’t have to think