Light in the Shadows

lay where she had kicked them off beside the couch.  I grabbed her grey sweater that lay over the back of the chair and took them into the kitchen.  I was suddenly very, very angry. 
                    I found a black trash bag and dumped the painful reminders inside.  I tied it shut and dropped it at the foot of the stairs.  When I was done, I stood there, bracing myself against the wall, breathing quickly. 
                    Now that my spurt of anger had disappeared, I realized Ruby would have my head for messing with Lisa’s stuff like that.  But I just couldn’t handle sitting around while her shit lay about like she would walk through the door at any moment.
                    Like today was just any other day and not the day we had put her in the ground.  It wasn’t right.  And I was sick and tired of living in a delusion.  Sure life was tough to deal with and some days it took everything in me to even put my feet on the floor.  But that was better than living a lie, with the unrealistic expectations that would never be realized.
                    I picked up the bag and quietly took it up stairs.  I opened up the door to Ruby’s bedroom.  She was finally asleep, curled under a blanket.  Trying to be as silent as possible, I opened the bag and took out Lisa’s stuff.  I gently laid them out on the dresser just inside the entry way. 
                    When I was done, I took a final look at Ruby, who hadn’t moved, and closed the door behind me.  Standing in the hallway, I made another decision.  I strode across the floorboards and flung my bedroom door open, wincing when it hit the wall with a bang.
                    I turned on the light and went inside.  I could still see the indentation on the bedspread from where Maggie was sitting earlier.  Looking around, I wondered why I had been so scared to come in here.
                    It was just a room, like any other.  Only this one seemed to whisper with a hundred memories.  Some I wanted to remember, others I didn’t.  But whatever, this was my room and I had to start learning to exorcise the ghosts of my past.  There was no way I could move forward, in whatever direction my future decided to take me, unless I faced things. 
                    I was sick and tired of being a weak coward.  And staying in this room, even if it seemed a small thing to do, was a start.
                    I went downstairs and turned off the lights, then grabbed my suitcase and lugged it up the stairs.  I placed it on the bed and opened it, pulling out my clothes and then unceremoniously dumped them into my chest of drawers.  When I was finished, I stuffed my now empty suitcase into my closet. 
                    Then curling up on my bed, I fell into a fitful sleep.
     
    ***
                   
    The next morning, I spent a good portion of the time putting off the inevitable; calling Dr. Todd and explaining that I wouldn’t be returning to Grayson.  Ruby was still in her room.  I wasn’t sure if she was sleeping or not but I made sure to be quiet, just in case.
                    I sat down in the living room and pulled out my cell phone and dialed Dr. Todd’s personal number before I lost my nerve.  It rang twice before he answered.
      “Hey doc, how’s it goin’?” I asked lightly.  I picked up the pen and started doodling on a pad of paper. 
                    “Clayton, it’s nice to hear from you.  How were things yesterday?” he asked.  I gave him the quick rundown about the service, the get together afterwards.  I told him about Ruby and how hard this was on her.  And then I told him about Maggie, seeing her again and how tough that had been for me.
                    Just like always, unloading felt really good.  It was unbelievable that I had fought sharing my feelings for so long.  I really was such a fool.  It was amazing how knowing someone would listen patiently made it so easy to open up. 
                    “That’s a lot for someone to handle, Clay.  How are you dealing with everything?” his question was loaded with a million tiny subtexts.  Was I cutting?  Was I drinking?  Was there a hypodermic needle poking out of my arm as we speak?   Was I falling face first in a pile of my own shit?