Light in the Shadows

              “I’m dealing.  Some minutes are easier than others, but so far so good.”  And that was the truth.  I hadn’t fallen off the proverbial wagon just yet.  Though the temptation was pretty damn great.
      “That’s wonderful, Clay.  I’m glad to hear that.  Now, why don’t you tell me the reason for your call?” said Dr. Todd, the all-seeing psychic.  The man was good, too good.  And here I thought I was hiding my true intentions so well.  I was clearly losing my touch.
                  I took a deep breath and laid it all out there.  Like ripping off a Band-Aid, it was better to do it quickly.  “I’m staying in Davidson.” I sounded belligerent as though daring him to argue with me. 
                    “I suspected this would happen.  I know how hard it is to leave home, once you’re there,” Dr. Todd said patiently, making me feel unreasonably guilty.  It wasn’t as though he were trying to shame me.  In fact he sounded totally understanding, but I felt the disappointment a thousand miles away.
                    “I just can’t leave Ruby.  Not like this.  She’s going through a lot and I would hate myself if I took off again,” I explained. 
                    “I understand, Clay, I really do.  But as your therapist, I have to remind you of the fact that you have two more weeks left in your treatment contract.  Three months may seem like a long time but when it comes to getting a handle on your issues, it’s not nearly long enough.  Don’t become complacent in your treatment,” Dr. Todd told me firmly.  He was using his principal voice.  The one that let me know I needed to listen to what he was telling me.
                    And I was listening, honestly.  But that wouldn’t change my decision.  My mind was set. 
                    “Does that mean I have to come back?  Because I was under the impression that I could make those decisions for myself now,” I said sharply, not liking the fact that I was now starting to second guess myself.
                  “You are one hundred percent right.  You control where you go and what you do.  You are an adult now, Clay.  You are not a direct danger to yourself or others, so I can’t force you to readmit yourself.  But I won’t lie to you; I’m very concerned about you leaving treatment so abruptly, whatever the reason.  Given the severity of your illness, you can’t take that lightly.  But if you are set against returning to Grayson, I think we need to put some things into place to ensure you won’t relapse.  Which includes continuing your medication regimen.  No ifs, ands or buts, Clayton,” Dr. Todd explained. 
                    “I know that, Doc.  I won’t forget to take my medicine like a good little boy,” I spat out, taking my frustration out on the person I knew could take it. 
                    Dr. Todd didn’t address my surly attitude.  “And you need to continue with your therapy, but on an outpatient basis now. I want you to call the counselor I told you about.  Shaemus Laughtry is one of the best LPCs in the field.  I have worked with him in the past and I’m more than comfortable with transferring your case to him.  He and I can work together to ensure your treatment is seamless.  I’m serious about this Clay.  You can’t afford to quit now.  You’ve come a long way, but you still have a lot ahead of you.” 
                    I had every intention of reaching out to the other therapist, but hearing Dr. Todd put it like that, I felt scared.  Was I ready to try this whole living on my own terms thing?  I had wanted the ability to call the shots, to do this my way.  But now that I was being handed the keys to the kingdom, I sort of wanted to give them back. 
                    I started to pick at the skin around my fingernail again.  The area was already raw, but that didn’t stop me from digging a little deeper.  “Yeah, I will.  I’ll call him first thing tomorrow and set up an appointment,” I agreed.
                    “Good.  I’m glad to hear that.  And I would still like you to call and check in with me until you start seeing Shaemus regularly.  It’s important you start building your support systems there.  I know that Ruby and Lisa have always been your primary supports,