Light in the Shadows

Daniel and headed back toward the counter.  There was a line and Jennifer, the other girl working, looked flustered.
     
                    I hurried to help her and got lost in the chaos for a while.  I found that being busy really helped keep my mind free and clear of the dark thoughts that I tended to gravitate towards.  And I realized I was looking forward to going out tonight.  Being around friends.  I was finally ready to take a step in the right direction and get things back on track.
     
                    “Maggie.”  I looked up at the voice and froze.  And just like that I wanted to run in the back and hide.  Not because I didn't want to see the person that said my name, but because those dark thoughts that I had kept at bay all afternoon, came rushing back.
     
                     “Hi, Lisa.  How are you?” I asked, trying to sound happy to see her.  And on some level I was.  I really liked Lisa.  She and Ruby, Clay's aunt, were two of the most loving people I had ever met.  And I would always appreciate the way she had supported me during one of the bleakest times of my life. 
     
                    But seeing her made me invariably think of him.  And given the yo-yo of emotions that unfurled inside me, I knew that wasn’t a particularly good thing. 
     
                     Lisa's mouth raised in a hesitant smile.  As though she wasn't entirely sure of the reception I'd give her.  I hadn't seen Lisa or Ruby since right after the incident.  In a small town like Davidson, it was actually surprising that we hadn't crossed paths.  But we hadn't.  Until now.  Until I was finally feeling ready to move on with my life and get it together.  It was like fate or something.
     
                     Fate was a fucking bitch.
     
                     I felt bad for seeing Lisa's wariness.  So I came from around the counter and gave her a hug.  The much taller woman squeezed tight before letting me go.  “You look great,” she said kindly.  I cleared my throat uncomfortably.  Yeah, I'm sure I looked a hell of a lot better than the last time she saw me.  I had been a complete wreck.  So I was sure anything had to be better than that.
     
                     “Thanks.  How's Ruby?” I asked, realizing that I missed Clay's wacky aunt.  I missed her store.  I had made it a point to stay away from my favorite shop, knowing it would be too painful to go inside. 
     
                  Lisa's face softened at the mention of her girlfriend.  I had always loved the natural and beautiful affection between her and Ruby.  It was something I had aspired to have in my own life.  And at one time, I thought I had it. 
     
                    “She's Ruby.  Wonderful as always.  Still trying to force herbal tea down my throat on a daily basis.”  We both laughed.  Ruby was formidable when it came to forcing herbal concoctions down your throat. 
     
                    “She'd love to see you,” Lisa said softly.  I looked away, not sure how to answer.  I'd love to see her too.  But it was too soon. 
     
                     “Yeah,” was all I said, feeling the need to end the conversation and get my ass out of there.  But then, as if by compulsion I spit out, “How's Clay?”
     
                    There was an immediate silence.  I couldn't believe I just asked that.  My heart started to hammer in my chest and just saying his name out loud was like a bomb going off inside me.  My hands were clammy and I felt strangely light headed.  Jesus, I was a mess.
     
                  “He's...better,” Lisa said.  I looked back at her and she appeared guarded.  As though not sure how much she should say.  Not that I blamed her.  Clay had made it a point to not let me know exactly where he was.  He had sent me a letter, telling me to get on with my life and move on and not once did he mention ever wanting to talk to me again.  Without giving me any say in the matter, he had cut me off.  Clay and I had been toxic together.  I thought I was helping him but in reality I hadn't been.  My denial and refusal to talk to anyone about what was going on with him had ultimately been his undoing.  So, talking to the ex-girlfriend who had single handedly helped him walk off the cliff, had to be awkward for her.