Light in the Shadows

touch me, no comforting hand on the arm or pat on the back.  Which was good, because I would have punched him in the nose if he had.  Instead, he sat in the chair opposite of me, counting with me down from twenty.  Reminding me to focus on my breathing.
     
                      After going through the count down five times, my body finally started to unclench and my heart rate began to slow down.  My breathing was less shallow and it felt safe to open my eyes. 
     
                    “Better?” Dr. Todd asked me, the concern gone, replaced by his typical neutral expression.  Some people might be bothered by the therapist’s lack of emotional response.  For me, it was exactly what I needed.  I had lived my life being ruled by my feelings, worrying about what those emotions would do to the people around me.  So having someone sit there, seemingly unphased by my shit, was nice. 
     
       I nodded and put the pencil down in the crease of my notebook.  I closed it without another look, knowing that what I had written on its pages was what precipitated the level ten meltdown.  The sound of some sort of new age music punctuated the silence.  It made me think of Ruby and in that moment, that was more crucial in helping me get my shit together than anything else.
     
                      “Man, I wasn't expecting that,” I let out in a quiet rush.  I ran my shaking hand through my hair, knowing it was probably sticking straight up.  Good thing I didn't give a crap about things like my appearance.
     
                     Dr. Todd smiled in understanding.  “You handled that really well, Clay.  You're learning to manage your attacks much better.  You should feel good about that.”  I knew the doc was trying to offer me something to feel positive about.  But I didn't want any of it. 
     
                    Just when I thought I had things under control, the reality of who I was smacked me squarely in the face.  Being nuts was no fun let me tell you.  I was a far cry from being the lovable eccentric.  The wacky dude who mumbled to himself and wore his pants inside out.  Nope, my kind of nuts was scary and consuming. 
     
                    Sure, my new meds were huge in helping me regulate my swings.  Therapy had been instrumental in allowing me to work through the millions of ways I was sabotaging my life on a daily basis.   I was learning other coping skills, ones that didn’t involve a blade to my skin. I hadn't cut myself in over a month.  These were all reasons to feel successful.  I was a far cry from being the man I wanted to be.  But I was getting there.
     
                     Then stuff like this happened.  It was reality's way of smacking me in the face and telling me to wake the fuck up.  Have I mentioned how much I hated reality sometimes?  If it were a guy I’d beat the shit out of him.  Because if I couldn't even write in a damn journal about how messing up things with Maggie had destroyed my entire world, I wasn't ready to see the outside of these walls yet.  And I wanted to be ready so freaking badly. 
     
                     Dr. Todd said Maggie had become my trigger. Can you believe that?  The girl who had easily been the best thing in my life was now my greatest nightmare.  According to the good doctor, I was pinpointing all of my anxiety, all of my shame and guilt onto her shoulders. How messed up was that? After doing the “right” thing and letting her go, I couldn’t even have the memories of her.  Because now when I thought about Maggie, I wigged out.  I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.  It was way too reminiscent of how bad things became before I came to Grayson.
     
                     Dr. Todd was trying to help me work through it.  I was seeing him three times a week and at least one of those sessions revolved around how I needed to learn to forgive myself.  He said it like it was the easiest thing in the world.  But you try to forgive yourself after you hurt everyone you have ever loved.  It doesn’t make you the most enjoyable guy to have around, that’s for sure.  Life of the party I wasn’t. 
     
                  This process was painful.  Actually it sucked balls.  It was like forcing yourself to look in the mirror after you had been doused in battery acid.  I felt ugly and raw.  And I wasn’t a