Losing Hope

then turn her to where she’s standing under the stream of water.
    As soon as the water splashes her face, she gasps and the clarity begins to return to her eyes.
    I grab the soap and a washcloth, and rub them under the water, then turn and begin wiping the blood off her face.
    “Shh,” I whisper, staring her in the eyes. “I’m getting it off you, okay?”
    She squeezes her eyes shut and I diligently wash away every speck of blood from her face. When she’s finally clean, I reach behind her in order to remove her ponytail holder.
    “Look at me, Sky,” I say. She opens her eyes and I rest my hand reassuringly on her shoulder. “I’m going to take off your bra now, okay? I need to wash your hair and I don’t want to get anything on it.”
    Her eyes grow wide with my words and she pulls her arms through the straps of her bra, then frantically rips it over her head.
    “Get it out,” she says quickly, referring to the blood in her hair. “Just get it off me.”
    I take her wrists again and wrap her arms around me. “I’ll get it. Hold on to me and try to relax. I’ll do it.”
    I pour the shampoo into my hands and bring it to her hair. I have to wash it several times before the water finally runs clean. Once I’m finished washing her, I begin to wash my own hair. I get what I can but without being able to see myself, I don’t know if I’ve washed away everything. I don’t want to ask her to help me do this, but I have to make sure it’s all gone. “Sky, I need you to make sure I got it all, okay? I need you to wipe away anything I missed.”
    She nods and takes the washcloth out of my hands. She eyes my hair and my back and my shoulders, then finally rubs the washcloth over my ear.
    She pulls the washcloth away from me and looks down at it, running it under the stream of water.
    “It’s all gone,” she whispers.
    I take the washcloth and toss it onto the edge of the tub.
    It’s all gone , I repeat in my head.
    I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes. I can feel it building. The questions. The memories. All the times I held Les at night while she cried and I had no idea what he’d done to her. No idea what she’d been through.
    I hate him. I fucking hate that he got away with it for so long. He got away with what he did to Sky, to his sister, to Les. And the worst part is, he’s not alive anymore for me to even be able to kill him.
    Sky looks up at me and her eyes are full of sympathy. For a second I don’t understand it, but then I realize I’m crying . . . and that she’s just as sad for me as I am for her. Her shoulders begin to shake and a sob breaks free. She slaps her hand over her mouth and squeezes her eyes shut.
    I pull her against my chest and kiss the side of her head.
    “Holder, I’m so sorry,” she cries. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry.”
    I tighten my grip around her and press my cheek to the top of her head. I close my eyes and I cry. I cry for her. I cry for Les. I cry for myself.
    She curls her arms up behind my shoulders, gripping me tightly, then she presses her lips against my neck. “I’m so sorry,” she says quietly. “He never would have touched her if I . . .”
    I grab her by the arms and push her away from me so that I can look her in the eyes. “Don’t you dare say that.” I grab her face with both hands. “I don’t ever want you to apologize for a single thing that man did. Do you hear me? It’s not your fault, Sky. Swear to me you will never let a thought like that consume you ever again.”
    She nods. “I swear.”
    I continue to maintain eye contact with her, needing to know that she’s telling me the truth. This girl has done nothing that warrants an apology and I never want her thinking like that again.
    She throws her arms around my neck, tears falling from both of us now. We hold each other tightly. Desperately. She kisses my neck repeatedly, wanting to reassure me in the only way she knows how.
    I lower my lips to her shoulder and kiss her in return. She holds me tighter and I let her. I let her hold me as tight as she possibly can. I continue to kiss her neck and she continues to kiss mine, both of us working our way toward each other’s mouth. Before I reach her lips, I pull back and look into her eyes. She looks into mine and for once in my life, I can honestly say I’ve found the only other person in this world who understands my guilt. The only person who understands my pain. The only person who accepts that it’s who I