Losing Hope

am.
    I used to think the best part of me died with Les, but the best part of me is standing right here in front of me.
    In one swift movement, I crash my lips to hers and grip her by the hair. I push her against the shower wall and kiss her with so much conviction, I know she could never for a second doubt how much I love her. I slide my hands down her thighs and lift her up until she wraps her legs around my waist.
    I press myself against her and continue kissing her, wanting to feel her, rather than the pain that’s trying to take over. I want nothing but to be a part of her right now and let everything else in our lives just fade away.
    “Tell me this is okay,” I say as I pull away from her mouth and search her eyes. “Tell me it’s okay to want to be inside you right now . . . because after everything we’ve been through today, it feels wrong to need you like I do.”
    She throws her arms around my neck and grasps my hair, pulling my mouth back to hers, showing me that she needs this just as much as I do. I groan and pull her away from the shower wall, then walk her out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. I drop her down onto the bed, then grab her panties and pull them down her legs. I crash against her mouth and pull off my boxers, which are now soaking wet. All I can think about is how much I need to be inside her right now. I pull apart from her long enough to get a condom on, then I grab her hips and pull her to the edge of the bed. I lift her leg to my side and slide my other arm underneath her shoulder.
    She looks up at me and I look down at her. I grip her leg and her shoulder and keep my eyes trained on hers, then push into her. The second I’m inside her, it doesn’t feel like enough. I press my lips to hers and try to search for whatever it is that’s missing from the moment. I move in and out of her, more and more frantic with each thrust, trying desperately to reach a feeling that I don’t even know exists. She relaxes her body against mine, following my movements, allowing me to be in control.
    But I don’t want that right now.
    That’s what’s wrong with me.
    My mind is so exhausted and so tired and my heart hurts so much right now. I just need her to help me figure out how to stop trying to be the hero for once.
    I pull away from her and she looks up at me, never questioning why I’ve drastically slowed against her. She just brings her hands to my face and gently runs her fingers over my eyes and my lips and cheeks. I turn my mouth toward the inside of her palm and I kiss it, then drop down on top of her, stopping completely. I keep my gaze locked with hers and I pull her to me, then lift her up as I stand. I’m still inside her and she’s wrapped around me, so I turn my back to the bed and slide down to the floor. I lean forward and kiss her bottom lip softly, then her whole mouth.
    I bring a hand to her cheek and drop the other to her hip. I begin to move beneath her, slowly guiding her with my hand, wanting her to just take control. I need her to want to comfort me the same way that I always want to comfort her.
    “You know how I feel about you,” I whisper, staring into her eyes. “You know how much I love you. You know I would do whatever I could to take away your pain, right?”
    She nods, never pulling her gaze from mine, even for a second.
    “I need that from you so fucking bad right now, Sky. I need to know you love me like that.”
    Her expression grows soft and her eyes fill with compassion. She laces our hands together and places them over our hearts. She strokes her thumb against my hand and lifts up slightly, then slowly glides back down me again.
    The incredible sensation that rushes through my body causes my head to collapse against the mattress behind me. I groan, unable to keep my eyes open.
    “Open your eyes,” she whispers, still moving against me. “I want you to watch me.”
    I lift my head and watch her. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever been asked to do, because she’s fucking beautiful right now.
    “Don’t look away again,” she says, lifting herself up. When she slides back onto my lap, I can barely keep my head up. Especially when that moan escapes her lips and she squeezes my hands even harder.
    “The first time you kissed me?” she says. “That moment when your lips touched mine? You stole a piece of my heart that night.”
    You stole a piece of mine, too .
    “The first time you told me you lived me because you weren’t ready to