Losing Hope

shut and drops her head to my chest, then starts crying again. The answer she’s refusing to give me right now completely rips apart my heart. “No, Sky,” I whisper. “No.”
    I’m overcome with several different emotions at once. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone like I want to hurt her bastard of a father, and if she didn’t need me here with her right now I’d be on my way back to his house.
    I close my eyes and can’t get the thought of her as a little girl out of my head. Even when I was a little boy, I could tell she was broken, and she was the first thing I ever felt the urge to protect. And now, curled up against me, crying . . . the only thing I want to do is protect her from him, but I can’t. I can’t protect her from all the memories that are flooding her mind right now and I’d give anything if I could.
    She clenches my shirt in her fists and the sobs continue. I hold her as tightly as I can, knowing there’s nothing I can do to make her pain go away, so I just hold her like I used to hold Les. I never want to let her go.
    She continues to cry and I continue to hold her and I’m trying so hard to be strong for her right now but I’m breaking. Knowing what happened to her and all she’s had to live through is completely unhinging me and I have no idea how she’s even able to hold up at all.
    After several minutes, her tears begin to soften but they never cease. She eventually lifts her face off my chest, then slides on top of me. She closes her eyes and brings her lips to mine, then she immediately tries to take off my shirt. I have no idea why she’s doing this, so I flip her onto her back. “What are you doing?”
    She slides her hand behind my neck and pulls my mouth back to hers. As much as I love kissing her, this just doesn’t feel right. When her hands grab at my shirt again, I push them away. “Stop it,” I tell her. “Why are you doing this?”
    She looks at me with desperation. “Have sex with me.”
    What the fuck?
    I immediately climb off the bed and pace the floor. I don’t even know how the hell to respond to that, especially after what she just remembered about her father. “Sky, I can’t do this,” I say, pausing to look at her. “I don’t know why you’re even asking for this right now.”
    She crawls to the edge of the bed where I’m standing and she pulls up onto her knees, grasping at my shirt. “Please,” she begs. “Please, Holder. I need this.”
    I step away from her, out of her grasp. “I’m not doing this, Sky. We’re not doing this. You’re in shock or something . . . I don’t know. I don’t even know what to say right now.”
    She falls back down onto the bed and begins to cry again.
    Dammit. I don’t know how to help her. I’m completely unprepared for this.
    “ Please ,” she says, looking me in the eyes. Her voice and the pain behind it is shattering me from the inside out. She drops her eyes to her hands, which are folded in her lap. “Holder . . . he’s the only one that’s ever done that to me.” She lifts her eyes to mine again. “I need you to take that away from him. Please .”
    If I had a soul before those words, it just completely broke in half. Tears fill my eyes and I hurt for her. I hurt for her so much because I don’t want her to ever have to think about that bastard again. “ Please , Holder,” she says again.
    Fuck.
    I don’t know what to do or how to deal with all of this. If I tell her no, I’ll hurt her even more. If I agree to help her by doing this; I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself.
    She’s looking up at me from the bed, completely broken. Her pleading eyes are waiting for my decision. And even though neither option is one I want to choose, I just go with whatever she thinks she needs right now. If I could trade lives with her I would do it in a heartbeat, just so she’d never have to feel whatever it is she’s feeling. I’ll do whatever it takes to ease her pain.
    Whatever it takes.
    I walk back to her and sink to my knees on the floor. I scoot her to the edge of the bed, then I remove both our shirts. I pick her up and walk her to the head of the bed and lay her down gently. I lower myself on top of her, then wipe her tears away again.
    “Okay,” I say to her.
    I know she more than likely just wants to get this over with. There’s no way this moment can be what it should be. I reach to my wallet and remove a condom, then take off my pants, watching her diligently