Lost in the Cosmos

a connoisseur of the lunch-hour liaison
    Penny, a pregnant fourteen-year-old
    Dr. Joyce Friday, a well-known talk-show sex therapist, or in media jargon: a psych jockey.
    B ILL’S STORY: Yes, I’m gay, and yes, I cruise Buena Vista. Yes, I’ve probably had over five hundred encounters with lovers, though I didn’t keep count. So what? Whose business is it? I’m gainfully employed by a savings-and-loan company, am a trustworthy employee, and do an honest day’s work. My recreation is Buena Vista Park and the strangers I meet there. I don’t molest children, rape women, snatch purses. I contribute to United Way. Such encounters that I do have are by mutual consent and therefore nobody’s business—except my steady live-in friend’s. Naturally he’s upset, but that’s our problem.
    D ONAHUE (striding up and down, mike in hand, boyishly inarticulate): C’mon, Bill. What about the kids who might see you? You know what I mean. I mean— (Opens his free hand to the audience, soliciting their understanding)
    B ILL: Kids don’t see me. Nobody sees me.
    D ONAHUE (coming close, on the attack but good-naturedly, spoofing himself as prosecutor) :Say, Bill. I’ve always been curious. Is there some sort of signal? I mean, how do you and the other guy know—help me out—
    B ILL: Eye contact, or we show a bit of handkerchief here. (Demonstrates)
    S TUDIO AUDIENCE: (Laughter)
    D ONAHUE (shrugging [Don’t blame me, folks], pushes up nose-bridge of glasses, swings mike over to Dr. J.F. without looking at her): How about it, Doc?
    D R. J.F. (in her not-mincing-words voice): I think Bill’s behavior is immature and depersonalizing. (Applause from audience) I think he ought to return to his steady live-in friend and work out a mature, creative relationship. You might be interested to know that studies have shown that stable gay couples are more creative than straights. (Applause again, but more tentative)
    D ONAHUE (eyes slightly rolled back, swings mike to Bill): How about it, Bill?
    B ILL: Yeah, right. But I still cruise Buena Vista.
    D ONAHUE (pensive, head to one side, strides backward, forward, then over to Allen): How about you, Allen?
    A LLEN’S STORY: I’m a good person, I think. I work hard, am happily married, love my wife and family, also support United Way, served in the army. I drink very little, don’t do drugs, have never been to a porn movie. My idea of R & R—maybe I got it in the army—is to meet an attractive woman. What a delight it is, to see a handsome mature woman, maybe in the secretarial pool, maybe in a bar, restaurant, anywhere, exchange eye contact, speak to her in a nice way, respect her as a person, invite her to join me for lunch (no sexual harassment in the office—I hate that!), have a drink, two drinks, enjoy a nice meal, talk about matters of common interest—then simply ask her—by now, both of you know whether you like each other. What a joy to go with her up in the elevator of the downtown Holiday Inn, both of you silent, relaxed, smiling, anticipating—The door of the room closes behind you. You look at her, take her hand. There’s champagne already there. You stand at the window with her, touch glasses, talk—there’s nothing vulgar. No closed-circuit TV. Do you know what we did last time? We turned on La Bohème on the FM. She loves Puccini.
    D ONAHUE: C’mon, Allen. What are ya handing me? What d’ya mean you’re happily married? You mean you’re happy.
    A LLEN: No , no. Vera’s happy, too.
    A UDIENCE (mostly women, groaning): Nooooooo.
    D ONAHUE: Okay-okay, ladies, hold it a second. What do you mean, Vera’s happy? I mean, how do you manage—help me out, I’m about to get in trouble—hold the letters, folks—
    A LLEN: Well, actually, Vera has a low sex drive. We’ve always been quite inactive, even at the beginnings—
    A UDIENCE (groans, jumbled protests) :Nooooo.
    D ONAHUE (backing away, holding up placating free hand, backing around to Dr. J.F.): It’s all yours, Doc.
    D R. J.F.: Studies have shown that open marriages can be growth experiences for both partners. However— (groans from audience) — However: It seems to me that Vera may be getting the short end here. I mean, I don’t know Vera’s side of it. But could I ask you this? Have you and Vera thought about reenergizing your sex life?
    A LLEN: Well, ah—
    D R. J.F.: Studies have shown, for example, that more stale marriages have been revived by oral sex than any other technique—
    D ONAHUE: