Lost in the Cosmos

these latecomers are not one of Donahue’s surprises. And yet—
    D ONAHUE (snapping his fingers) :I got it. Wait’ll I get that guy. It’s Steve Allen, right? Refugees from the Steve Allen Show, Great Conversations? Famous historical figures? You know, folks, they do that show in the studio down the hall. Wait’ll I get that guy.
    General laughter. Everybody remembers it’s been done before, an old show-biz trick, like Carson barging in on Rickles during the C.P.O. Sharkey taping.
    D ONAHUE: Okay already. Okay, who we got here? This is Moses? General Robert E. Lee? And who is this guy? Harry Truman? Okay, fellas, let’s hear it. (Donahue, an attractive fellow, is moving about as gracefully as a dancer)
    T HE STRANGER (speaks first, in his standard radio-announcer’s voice, which is not as flat as the Chicagoans who say, hyev a hyeppy New Year) :I don’t know what these two are doing here, but I came to give you a message. We’ve been listening to this show.
    D ONAHUE (winking at the audience) :And where were you listening to us?
    S TRANGER: In the green room.
    D ONAHUE: Where else? Okay. Then what do you think? Let’s hear it first from the reverend here. What did you say your name was, Reverend?
    S TRANGER: John Calvin.
    D ONAHUE: Right. Who else? Okay, we got to break here for these messages. Don’t go ‘way, folks. We’re coming right back and sort this out, I promise.
    Cut to Miss Clairol, Land O Lakes margarine, Summer’s Eve, and Alpo commercials.
    But when the show returns, John Calvin, who does not understand commercial breaks, has jumped the gun and is in mid-sentence.
    C ALVIN (speaking in a thick French accent, not unlike Charles Boyer) :—of his redemptive sacrifice? What I have heard is licentious talk about deeds which are an abomination before God, meriting eternal damnation unless they repent and throw themselves on God’s mercy. Which they are predestined to do or not to do, so why bother to discuss it?
    D ONAHUE (gravely) :That’s pretty heavy, Reverend.
    C ALVIN: Heavy? Yes, it’s heavy.
    D ONAHUE (mulling, scratching) :Now wait a minute, Reverend. Let’s check this out. You’re entitled to your religious beliefs. But what if others disagree with you in all good faith? And aside from that (prosecutory again, using mike like forefinger) what’s wrong with two consenting adults expressing their sexual preference in the privacy of their bedroom or, ah, under a bush?
    C ALVIN: Sexual preference? (Puzzled, he turns for help to the Confederate officer and the Cosmic stranger. They shrug)
    D ONAHUE (holding mike to the officer) :How about you, sir? Your name is—
    C ONFEDERATE OFFICER: Colonel John Pelham, C.S.A., commander of the horse artillery under General Stuart.
    P ENNY: He’s cute.
    A UDIENCE: (Laughter)
    D ONAHUE: You heard it all in the green room, Colonel. What ‘dya think?
    C OLONEL PELHAM (in a soft Alabama accent) :What do I think of what, sir?
    D ONAHUE: Of what you heard in the green room.
    P ELHAM: Of the way these folks act and talk? Well, I don’t think much of it, sir.
    D ONAHUE: Howdo you mean, Colonel?
    P ELHAM: That’s not the way people should talk or act. Where I come from, we’d call them white trash. That’s no way to talk if you’re a man or a woman. A gentleman knows how to treat women. He knows because he knows himself, who he is, what his obligations are. And he discharges them. But after all, you won the war, so if that’s the way you want to act, that’s your affair. At least, we can be sure of one thing.
    D ONAHUE: What’s that, Colonel?
    P ELHAM: We’re not sorry we fought.
    D ONAHUE: I see. Then you agree with the reverend, I mean Reverend Calvin here.
    P ELHAM: Well, I respect his religious beliefs. But I never thought much about religion one way or the other. In fact, I don’t think religion has much to do with whether a man does right. A West Point man is an officer and a gentleman, religion or no religion. I have nothing against religion. In fact, when we studied medieval history at West Point, I remember admiring Richard Coeur de Lion and his recapturing Acre and the holy places. I remember thinking: I would have fought for him, just as I fought for Lee and the South.
    Applause from the audience. Calvin puts them off, but this handsome officer reminds them of Rhett Butler–Clark Gable, or rather Ashley Wilkes–Leslie Howard.
    D ONAHUE (drifting off, frowning; something is amiss but he can’t put his finger on it. What is Steve