Lost in You

but she doesn’t. She just sits there with her coffee cup in her hand, holding it tight as if it’s her lifeline.
    “Mom, please talk to me.” I plead. “I saw you last night in here and things looked weird. What was that?”
    She looks at me, her eyes cold. “It’s called praying. You should do more of it. It will help you guide your decisions so that you are making the best one for yourself.”
    “Mom, I like Hadley and she likes me. I’m not asking for permission to see her. I’m almost eighteen and am willing to take the risk of sneaking out at night to be with her, but I’d like for you to see things from my side. For the first time, I’ve found someone that likes me for who I am and isn’t turned off by my second-hand clothes. She doesn’t care that I don’t have money, drive a fancy car, or live in a mansion. None of that matters to her because she likes me, your son, the one you’ve been raising.”
    I can’t sit anymore. My hands are shaking. I want to throw her puzzle across the room and demand that she show me one ounce of support, to be there for me instead of hiding inside herself all the time. I get up and pace, chewing on my bottom lip. When I turn and look at her, she’s crying. I’ve made her cry.
    I go to her, bending down in front of her. “Mom,” I say as I move her chair away from the table and take her cup out of her hand. “I want a chance at a life different from here. This life isn’t for me. The walls are closing in and I feel like I’m being squeezed of everything I know. Please, Mom, I know you’re not happy here. You never smile and it kills me to see you like this.”
    “I’m happy,” she says quietly.
    I shake my head. “Well, I’m not. I don’t want to work at the mill. I don’t even want to live in Brookfield anymore. I hate it here.”
    “Ryan –“
    “No, Mom, listen to me. I need something different. I want to be in a place that is alive, where people talk to each other every day, not just on Sundays.”
    “And this girl plans to take you away?”
    “No, she doesn’t, she’s not like that.” I get up and move back to my chair. “Hadley is different and the way she makes me feel – I didn’t know what I was missing until I met her.”
    “You sound like you’re in love with a girl you just met.”
    I shrug. Maybe I am. I just don’t know what love is or what it’s supposed to feel like. If love is what my parents have, I don’t want any part of it.
    “I like her, mom. She makes me happy.”
    “You just met her.”
    “I know, but haven’t you ever felt a connection with someone so strongly that you’d do whatever it takes to see them?” I lean forward, waiting for her answer. She must’ve felt something for my dad at one time. He couldn’t have always been like this.
    She shakes her head. I wonder why she married a man she doesn’t love.
    “Do you love Dad?”
    “Of course.”
    “But he doesn’t make you smile.”
    “Things…” she takes a deep breath. “Things change after a while.”
    “If you love someone, your love should only grow stronger. Isn’t that what you used to whisper to me at night?”
    Mom looks out the window and back at me. “Love is foolish, but I have a feeling you aren’t going to listen to me, so you need to be careful, Ryan. You can’t let your father find out about this girl or what you’ve been doing at night.”
    I sit back, shocked at what she just said. “You’ll let me see Hadley?”
    She nods, biting her lower lip. “Please don’t do anything stupid. I can’t protect you.”
    “I won’t, I promise. Would you like to meet her? Again, I mean.” I hope that she says yes. I don’t want to keep Hadley shut out of my life. I’d like for us to have a normal relationship. Well, as much as one is allowed.
    “Your dad isn’t going to church tomorrow. I’ll meet her then.” Mom gets up and walks away, leaving me to think about what she just said. She’s willing to meet Hadley and invited her back to church.
    I hear the pots and pans clinking together and figure I should help. I roll up her puzzle and put it away, along with her folding table. I have a few minutes before I’m due to leave for work and there’s only one thing I want to do.
    I walk into the kitchen and wrap my arms around my mom, hugging her tightly. “I love you, Mom.” I kiss her cheek quickly, but it was enough to know she’s been crying.

CHAPTER 20
    Hadley
     
     
    “We should get up and do something. We