Lost in You

I’m not in control and I need to be. My problem is that my heart and mind are connected and they both want Ryan, so I nod and follow behind him as he pulls us toward the dark and empty church.
    “Wait right here,” he says with a kiss. I watch as he disappears down a set of steps. I jump when I hear something slam. I look around, weary of my surroundings. An owl hoots from somewhere in the trees sending shivers, not the good kind, down my spine.
    “Hey.” His voice startles me, I scream. My hands quickly cover my mouth. Ryan pulls me to him, kissing me on the top of my head. “You’re shaking.”
    “You scared me.”
    “I’m sorry.” He bends and kisses me, increasing my heart rate, but for the better.
    I pull away, still shivering, but in a good way this time. He smiles and takes my hand. He leads us down the stairs, closing the door behind us. I’m confused as to why I didn’t just come with him earlier. He pulls us through the dark room, navigating like he’s done this many times. Maybe he has. Maybe I’m not his first.
    We walk through a doorway, the area lightened by a few candles. There is a blanket spread out on the floor, catching my attention. This is why he didn’t bring me down with him and made me wait outside.
    “I really don’t know what I’m doing, I’ve never…” Ryan looks away, embarrassed.
    “It’s perfect and well worth getting the crap scared out of me.”
    Ryan shakes his head, turning to me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”
    “It’s okay,” I say, stepping closer. His arms come around me. The soft glow of the candlelight gives me just enough to catch the glint of happiness in his eyes. I can’t help it. I lean up and kiss him. His reaction is instant and mirrors mine. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m not pressuring him to do anything he doesn’t want to. The problem is that I need to stop this. It can’t go further than it already has. Even that is too much and very dangerous.
    I step back, ending the connection between us. Ryan frowns. My finger trails over the sad lines appearing on his face.
    “We have to be careful, Ryan.”
    “I’m not sure I can.”
    I shake my head, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck. My fingers play with his hair. He closes his eyes, clearly enjoying the sensation.
    “Believe me when I say this.” I lean forward, pressing my lips against his. “If you were eighteen, I wouldn’t be saying no.”
    He opens his eyes wide. I bite my bottom lip. I think I’ve gone too far. That was more than he needed to know. I’m so stupid. He has no intentions of doing anything other than kissing. I read too much into this.
    “What can we do?”
    I raise my eyebrow at his question. He tries not to smile. “What do you want to do?” I ask, not afraid of what his answer will be. This will help us take care of the elephant in the room. We’ll know where both of us stand. Well, at least, where he stands. I know what I want.
    Ryan leads me to the blanket. We sit down, knees touching each other. We hold hands. Ryan plays with the ring on my index finger, his finger running over the top, back and forth.
    “I’m not sure how to answer because everything that I’m doing with you, it’s all new, but I feel so good when I’m with you and when I’m not…” his head shakes, “I feel like I’m going crazy.”
    “I feel the same way.”
    “You do?”
    I nod. “I do. I needed to see you. I know it’s only been a couple of weeks, but it’s been the longest weeks of my life. Everything has changed for me.”
    “Me too.”
    “So tell me, what do you want to do?”
    Ryan leans forward. “All of it,” he whispers into my ear. He lingers there, buried in my hair. I lean into him, fighting the urge to kiss him.
    “We need to talk.” I don’t know what possessed me to say those words. He pulls away, his face marred with sadness. I shake my head and smile, hoping to convey anything but sadness. I need to diffuse the situation. “About us and what we are to each other.”
    “Okay,” he says. His response is hesitant. Maybe he’s not ready to define us. I could be jumping the gun, but I have to know. I can’t imagine him with anyone else and I don’t want to be with anyone but him.
    “Can I say something first?”
    “Of course,” I answer immediately, interested in what he has to say.
    “I know this might seem stupid, but I’d like to call you my girlfriend.” I look at him questioningly. “I mean, not that I’m