Love is Always Write Anthology Bonus Volume

Jacob stiffened for a moment, and then relaxed when Daniel didn't move closer. Daniel nuzzled his face in against Jacob's shoulder and wrapped an arm around his chest. "G'night, Trip."
    He was almost asleep when he heard Jacob murmur, "Good night, Daniel."
    ****
    Jacob lay still, listening to Daniel breathe in hoarse slumber against his neck. Jacob had been exhausted for the last three days, and then had the best sex of his life. Well, the only sex of his life that hadn't involved his own hand, but he couldn't imagine anything better. He should be snoring too. Instead he was wide-awake.
    He wasn't used to sharing a bed. That was probably part of it. For all the close quarters on board ship, there was generally a few inches of personal space around him. This press of another man against him was strange. This wasn't even sexual, exactly. Daniel's naked chest was plastered against his bare back but it was more like a hug. But Jacob was suddenly claustrophobic under the weight of Daniel's limp, heavy arm. And it was hot, even with the sun down. He felt moisture trickling down the small of his back. His hair clung to his forehead, damp with sweat, or maybe other things.
    Carefully he moved away from Daniel, inch by inch. Daniel slept on as their bodies separated and Jacob breathed in silent relief as the cooler air touched his shoulders. He lifted Daniel's arm, slipped out from under, and lowered it to the bed. Daniel muttered something and his hand moved randomly. Then he fisted in the thin fabric covering the pillow and stilled again. Jacob eased out of the bed and stood up.
    It felt odd, standing there naked with someone else in the room, but it felt stupid to dress when the person was someone he'd had sex with. He settled for pulling on his skivvies. He walked silently to the window and pulled the drapes aside just an inch on one side. Just enough to allow him to put one eye to the gap and see out.
    The sun had set while they were otherwise occupied. The sky was dark, and if there was any hint of lingering color it must have been behind him. In front of him was only darkness. A few stars were visible. He didn't recognize any constellations, and anyway it was the southern hemisphere so they would all be different. Stars had never been his thing. Brian had been the one with the telescope, the one who talked about traveling to the moon, the one who knew all the constellations back when they were ten.
    Which was about the last time he'd shared a bed with anyone, Jacob realized. Those nights when Brian had defied the lights-out rule to come crawl into his bed and talk and plan, while Jacob listened and tried not to fall asleep before his twin got done talking. Somewhere around the time they were both eleven or twelve they began to grow apart and the nighttime chats stopped.
    Jacob wondered now whether it had had anything to do with him. With his being queer. He'd just assumed at the time that Brian had outgrown him. Brian had a lot of friends and wide-ranging interests that Jacob could no longer keep up with. But maybe it had been something else. Maybe Brian had sensed that Jacob was different. Maybe getting into bed at night with a brother who was turning into some kind of queer had felt wrong to Brian.
    That was paranoia. Jacob knew it. Unfortunately once he'd had the thought he couldn't erase it from his mind. Brian had liked girls. He'd been just fifteen the first time he'd come home and bragged to Jacob about getting his hands under a girl's blouse. Sixteen when he'd apparently done a whole lot more than that. Jacob had nodded and applauded mechanically, and wondered why he himself was such a slow bloomer. Maybe Brian had felt some inking of why. By the time they were seventeen he'd stopped telling Jacob anything personal.
    Jacob let the curtain fall back over the window and leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes. He'd made his choice. He'd thought this would be it. He was queer. He'd had sex with a man. He'd really, really enjoyed sex with a man. With Daniel. So why didn't he feel any different from when he walked in that door two hours earlier?
    Why did he suddenly want to run not walk back to the ship and pretend this had never happened? Brian was dead. He would never know, never care. And Father and Mother... Jacob wrenched his thoughts away from that path. He was half a hemisphere away from home. Surely here if anywhere in the world he could be himself.
    Daniel's soft voice said, "Jacob?"
    He opened his eyes