Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 1

second, I wished 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' would not be repealed. It was selfish and disgusting, but I like to think it was the panic at the thought of losing Mac that was doing the wishing and not the real me.
    "I don't know," I admitted honestly.
    Mac lifted his head from where he'd been resting it on my chest and met my eyes. "Hey, I know you've been kind of nervous about retiring, but think of it as the next adventure in our lives. It's going to be fun."
    Fun wasn't the first word that came to my mind. I didn't find the prospect of being middle-aged and single fun at all. I tried to keep all traces of emotion off my face, but I don't think I succeeded. When Mac leaned up, kissed me, and said, "You'll see." I knew I hadn't hidden those unsettling feelings very well at all.
    Mac's eyes went wide and he got that sly grin on his face that I loved so much. The one that told me one of his outrageous ideas was being formed. "I got it. I think we should do both!"
    "Both?" I asked confused.
    "Yeah, party and vacation. It's not just our retirement we're celebrating but the repeal of that bullshit law." His voice got excited, his words coming faster. "I think when we go to Lejeune for our exit ceremony we should go in full support of the repeal. Oh fuck, Gunny!" Mac hooted. "You and I walking on stage hand-in-hand. Now that's a hell of a way to leave a lasting impression. Two, twenty-plus career Marines, decorated Marines I might add, who served honorably. I think that sends a pretty loud message to the idiots who don't think queers should serve in the military, don't you? C'mon, Gunny, we got to do this." Mac's eyes lit up. "We can then combine our vacation celebration with our honeymoon. Kill two birds with one stone." Mac's grin grew brilliant. "And you said I never worry about saving money."
    I was being sucked right into Mac's enthusiasm and infectious smile, but when the word honeymoon came out of his mouth, my smile fell and my heart landed in my gut with a thud. I couldn't fucking breathe. No way had I heard him right. I wanted to ask him what he'd said, to clarify, but my throat had constricted.
    "Gunny, you okay?" Mac asked, concerned.
    I opened my mouth and closed it a couple of times, but nothing came out.
    "Jesus," Mac growled and sat up in bed, straddling my hips and grabbing my face in both of his hands. "What the hell, Gunny? You have a fucking heart attack on me now and I will so kick your ass."
    He stared at me with a panicked look, which was fine by me because I was panicking the fuck out. Did I dare to hope he was serious? Finally, I was able to squeeze out, "Honeymoon?"
    "You don't want to marry me?" Mac sounded genuinely hurt, which just confused me all the more.
    My heart was still flopping around erratically but at least I was able to push through the shock and find my voice. "First of all, you didn't ask me, and second, I am not going to marry you just to flip off the fucking Corps. It's not even legal."
    "Neither was being openly gay in the military until now. Shit's changing, Gunny, and for the better. We might not be able to legally marry but that doesn't mean we can't commit our lives to each other and who knows, maybe one day…" An odd expression twisted Mac's face, the hands on my face tightened, and he arched a brow. "Wait a minute. What the hell did you mean, 'just to flip off the Corps'?"
    I grabbed his wrists, forcing him to ease up. "You can't expect me to say we're married just to send a message, that's just" —that would just rip out my heart— "wrong. You can't send a positive message with a lie. And since when are you the poster boy for gay rights?"
    I was getting irritated, my skin warming with anger. It wasn't Mac's fault. He wasn't the one who had started to expect more from our relationship. Rationally, I knew that. Yet, even though my head knew it, my heart wasn't playing along. It was holding on to hope.
    "Our marriage wouldn't be a lie just because the government doesn't recognize it. We would know it was real."
    "Wait… what…" Oh Christ, Mac looked serious. His jaw was set in defiance, and I couldn't find a trace of humor as I searched his hazel eyes. My head was spinning, trying to get a grasp on the direction this conversation had gone. For months, I'd been setting myself up for his leaving. "You don't have to settle for fucking your best friend anymore, you can have anyone you want," I said, confused as hell.
    Mac shifted until his legs stretched out between mine,