Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 6

for weeks, months, some even years. Everyone had them. But here I was, in the war zone, and I was having nightmares of real life, of back home... of him . Actually they weren't exactly nightmares, because in them he was there and we were together and everything was perfect again. But they gave me a pain in my chest every time I woke up and realized it wasn't real, so I guess in that respect they could be considered nightmares. Sick, twisted nightmares, taunting me.
    I pulled out the tiny flashlight I kept with me and looked at my watch. It was 0400, almost time to get up anyway. I knew I was not going back to sleep so I reached under my cot and pulled out the dog-eared pocket calendar and pen I carried with me. I opened it up to today's date and put a dark black mark through the square. Every soldier carried something similar with them. From the day their boots hit the sand, the countdown to get back home started. I filled mine out by habit— although I certainly wanted to get out of this hellhole, I didn't really have much to return home to either.
    Which, I would be doing soon. My tour was up in a few weeks. So it had been almost seven months since the last time I saw Chase, and not a day went by that I hadn't thought of him in some capacity. If it wasn't one of the dreams, then I would be wondering what he was doing at that moment. Had he finally got the bathroom painted? Did he get the grant money for the project he was working so hard on at his job? Did he still think about me? Or had he found someone else? That particular thought always hurt the worst, and a couple times nearly threw me into panic attack mode.
    He'd sent me a few emails the first couple of weeks, trying to convince me to change my mind, but I never answered them and they finally stopped. I remember thinking at the time, "Good. It's finally over." But I didn't feel any better, I just felt even more hollow.
    With all my feelings of missing him, I never changed my mind though. I stubbornly still thought ending it with him was the only choice. The risk for me was too great if I was discovered and I was not going to put him through all of the hiding.
    Bobby had called me the minute he found out from Chase. "Adam, you motherfucking asshole, what the hell are you doing?"
    "Thanks, bro, I love you too."
    "Shut up, and be serious, you know what I'm talking about."
    It had been two days since I'd walked away from Chase and the wound was still raw and bleeding, I really didn't want to talk about it or think about it. But I tried my best to explain my feelings to Bobby.
    When I was done, he was silent for a long time; I almost thought he'd hung up. Then he sighed a heavy sigh. "Adam, you remember when you came to me and said you wanted to be a Marine? I asked you how you were going to deal with being gay and having to hide everything. And you swore you could handle it. Shit." The last word was almost a whisper.
    I knew Bobby was getting stuck in the middle between the two of us and it killed me, but I hoped he would try to understand.
    I heard him sigh again. "Listen, this is between you two, I'm not going to... I mean, hell, I admit this is got to be rough for both of you to deal with. But he's a mess, man. And you might deny it, but I can tell you are too. I'm not going to lie; I was squicked out a little when you two first got together. I mean, my little brother and my best friend! But, I should have realized it was only a matter of time before it happened. You two have always had a special connection, Adam. A lot of people never find that in their entire lifetimes. So, do whatever you feel you need to do for you. But you'd better think long and hard before you just throw something like that away."
    Bobby stayed true to his word and stayed out of it, well, mostly. With all the talk the last six months of Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) being possibly repealed, he was constantly sending me email links to the latest news. Like the doofus thought I couldn't follow the story on my own. The thing was, I was refusing to hold much stock in the idea. DADT had been in place so long, it felt like a fairytale to think there was going to be a day when gays could serve openly. To describe it as a very gay metaphor, it felt like we were on the never ending yellow brick road trying to get to the Wizard's palace and I was sure any moment the Wicked Witch and her damn monkeys were going to swoop down and take it all from us, mocking us with her evil cackle.
    Every week,