Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 6

her to stop, using the excuse of being in a public place. Kowalski was still leering at us, but he had got his show.
    After I got her hand out of my pants and told her we couldn't do that here, she just got more animated.
    "Oh yes, let's get out of here, go somewhere a little more private." She jumped up and grabbed my hand and I decided to just keep going with it. The other guys saw us leaving and yelled out the typical lewd comments to us.
    Once we got out the door and she got in my car, I told her I wasn't feeling good, but that I'd take her home. She pouted and tried to get me to change my mind but I refused, so she finally went inside her house.
    It was late, but I decided to just head straight for Chase's now. It was just a couple miles to the highway and another mile to the first rest stop. I pulled in and over to the last spot in the parking lot, got out and threw up in the bushes. When I was done I got back in my truck and leaned my head on the steering wheel, trying to get my breathing under control. I don't think it had been normal since that girl had slid into the booth with me.
    What the hell had I just done? I hadn't been with anyone since I started seeing Chase. No one had kissed me, no one had touched me, certainly no one else had had their hand on my dick. I felt violated, I felt like I had betrayed Chase, like I was cheating. I mean it was all fake and it was with a girl and thank God nothing had gone any further. But, Jesus Christ. I had passed another test to prove I was a heterosexual, but at what cost? I felt like shit, I was numb inside. And it was going to be a never-ending process, there would always be more "tests," more insane play-acting. And I didn't think I could do it anymore.
    ****
    It was nearly two in the morning when I got to Chase's, but I didn't want to wake him yet, so I sat in the truck for a couple of hours and then went and parked myself on his front stoop. I dozed off leaning my head against his door. So, I was woken up when he finally opened the door.
    "Baby, what are you doing down there. Get up and come inside."
    I stood but made no move to go inside. "No."
    "No? But why not?"
    "Because that will make it too hard." My voice was hoarse and it cracked as I spoke.
    The look on his face suddenly got very serious and I knew he was bracing for what was coming.
    "I can't do this anymore."
    "Adam—"
    "I want to be with you but it's killing me. Do you know what I had to do tonight? This time that damn Kowalski trapped me into making out with a girl. She was kissing me and I had to kiss her back. Her tongue was in my throat and her hand was on my dick."
    And finally, I saw it there on his face. The crushing reaction of realizing your lover had cheated on you, even if not sexually. The idea, the picture of someone else's lips and hands on your lover's body— no matter the reason— was crushing. He tried to get it together, to hide it but I had seen it. And it broke my heart to know I did that to him.
    "It's... okay..." His voice was barely a whisper as he tried to tell me what he usually says. But I could see it was harder this time. And it would keep getting harder until the day would come where he wouldn't be able to say it. And I couldn't hang on until that day.
    "Dammit, Chase, it's not okay! And I've had enough."
    "Adam, you just have to hang on a little longer—"
    "Don't tell me I can "hang on." You weren't the one with some chick's hands down your pants trying to not throw up because all you can think of is how much this is going to kill your boyfriend.
    "And all the constant watching and looking over my shoulder at work, wondering if this is gonna be the day someone finds out. It's not worth it."
    His face paled. I looked in those beautiful blue-gray eyes I loved so much and they looked dull and lifeless as he spoke. "It's not worth it. You mean we're not worth it?"
    I couldn't say it, so I just turned and walked back toward my truck.
    "Adam—"
    I turned but kept walking backward. "You said it in the beginning. I don't do relationships. Now you know why."
    I got in the truck, backed up and drove away.
    ****
    My chest hurt so bad I had to pull over to the side of the road; I almost thought I was having a heart attack. I think it was really all those horrible things I said to Chase trying to kill me.
    I didn't sleep at all that night, and then slept for ten hours, all through the entire next day. I think it was my body's way of shutting down and repairing itself. I did