Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 6

brother was still a horrible tragedy.
    Then I remembered that I did know one of them and my heart sank to my stomach. A nurse was passing by so I stopped her.
    "Was there a McCann brought in?"
    She smiled and pointed over to the corner of the room. "Just some cuts and a few minor surface burns, he'll be fine and out of here in a few days."
    I let out a huge breath. He was sitting up in his bed, a big bandage on one arm. He had a laptop in front of him and the screen was turned just enough that I could see it. From the distance I wouldn't have known who it was if I hadn't see the guy before. But, I recognized that it was his partner, on a video skype call. McCann was smiling and then I watched in amazement as he placed his fingers up to his lips, kissed them and then placed them on the computer screen, on his partner's lips. Normally if I saw any couple do this, be they gay or straight, I would think it completely schmaltzy.
    But not today. Today I was just happy for them. And I wished I had someone to do that to.
    ****
    Being stuck in the hospital was its own kind of hell, because I had nothing to do but think. I couldn't sleep because every time I did I would wake up wet with sweat and my heart racing. The nightmares/dreams were different now. I was back on patrol, the fighting and fires all around me, and I was yelling into my radio headset. Except I wasn't calling back to base. I was yelling for Chase, frantic and upset because I couldn't find him and was sure something had happened to him. And then the explosion, I got knocked down to the ground, only this time there are strong arms pulling me to safety. And once we were away from the danger, I open my eyes and see that it's Chase. He's looking down at me, with so much love in his eyes. "It's okay little A., I've got you."
    The third time I woke up from this same dream, it was the middle of the night and I was so disoriented in the pitch dark, that I literally had a meltdown when I realized Chase was not here. I practically decimated my pillow, clutching and squeezing it while sobbing silently. All I wanted was to be out of here, to be home, to be in Chase's arms. To feel him and touch him and know he was real.
    Eventually I calmed down, but I did not go back to sleep. Instead, I sat there in the dark and remembered.
    "You two have always had a special connection, Adam." Bobby's words echoed back to me. He was right. Chase was Bobby's friend first but when I looked back on my life, Chase was always there for me, in some form or another. As a pseudo big brother and "buddy" to hang out with when I was little. As strength and support when Dad died— when I had to be strong for everyone else, he was the one who was my strength when I needed him.
    And then as my lover. Never in a million years would I have ever thought our story would end up there. I'd had to be the one to make the first move, but once he was in, he was in. When I remembered our problems and arguments, I realized they were all me. I was the one who was scared and who couldn't handle being a Marine and being with him. He was the one who comforted me; he was the one who was willing to do whatever it took, with no questions or complaints.
    "It's not worth it. You mean we're not worth it?" The last words he said to me that night, set the tears flowing again. Oh Chase you were so worth it. We were worth it. I was too damn scared at the time. And sitting here, in a hospital bed, lucky enough to still be here, living and breathing, I couldn't believe what a complete idiot I was. What I had with Chase— Bobby was right when he said that some people wait a lifetime for that. And I just threw it all away.
    I had no idea what the future might hold— if I would make it back home in three weeks alive, or if I would get redeployed back here in another six months and maybe not be so lucky next time. Hell, I could go home and get hit by a bus. Our lives were in danger every day, every moment was precious. I decided it was time to stop looking over my shoulder and start living for the future— for the future I wanted, everyone else be damned. I just hoped it wasn't too late.
    When the morning shift of nurses came on, I asked for a laptop. It took me an hour to compose the email, and another hour rereading it over and over and trying to get the courage to hit send.
    Chase,
    Hey. I'm sure this was a surprise to see my name pop up in your email. I really hope you are reading this and that you didn't just